Push, Mofo, Push!

Out of some level of what must be either obscene curiosity or crippling masochism, I follow Nintendo's release schedule for their 3DS eshop every single week. Every Thursday, Nintendo releases new "games" upon this "service" as they typically sit in their headquarters, laughing evilly while stroking a cat with one hand and rubbing their chins with their other hand.

Pictured: Nintendo of America

Now granted, you may notice that I used quotes above around both the words "games" and "service". This is because more often than not, Nintendo releases something shitty like a black and white version of golf or Pac-Man and calls it a day. Essentially, it's like going to a shoe shine booth, after hearing that the worker gives special deals once a week on Thursday, only to have him spit on your shoe and ask for 10 dollars. Sure, maybe he charged you 5 bucks less than he would have any other day, but in the end, you're still the schmuck with a dirty shoe that now has saliva on it. And when you have Nintendo fans waiting curiously to see what gifts you come bearing this week, releasing the shittiest possible version of some game no one cares about is truly the equivalent of throwing a saliva-covered shoe right into the goddamn faces of your fans.

And honestly, who throws a shoe?

Now, the reason I bring up the Eshop and all it's torture is because Nintendo did something strange this week. This past week, Nintendo released a game which was not only not complete and utter shit, but actually enjoyable to an obscene level. You see, I would compare this last week's release of Pushmo as the "needle in a haystack" of eshop releases, but I feel like that simile doesn't truly give the game justice. You see, Pushmo is more than that. Pushmo is the glistening pearl in the sack full of turd that is the eshop. It is the delicious ice cream in the pit full of piranhas that is the eshop. IT IS THE GODDAMN HAY IN THE NEEDLESTACK OF THE ESHOP. Granted, by the time you dig through that many needles, your hand is numb, you've bit through your tongue in pain and you've died a little inside, but goddammit, YOU FOUND THE FUCKING HAY.

And this is even better than hay, because that shit is useless to you
unless you're some horse or goat or some shit.

Needless to say, Pushmo is pretty fucking fun. You don't really need much background to even get into it, but the short story is this. A bunch of little kids are playing around in a park and they get trapped in the various playground-esque structures all over the park. It quickly becomes your job as Mallo, an odd fat, red, character of some sort, to traverse the park and save all the children.

Mallo (Artist's Rendering)

Anyways, before you know it, you're pushing and pulling shit all over the place like a fucking boss. This game will throw puzzles of all shapes and sizes at you, and before you know it, it'll be 12 hours later and you've have solved them all. I've gotten more goddamn play time out of this thing than most 3DS retail games.

All this and this goddamn thing only cost me 7 dollars. Seriously, bitch, what else are you going to do with your seven dollars? Buy a goddamn coffee at Starbucks? Buy a small meal at McDonald's? FUCK YOUR GODDAMN STOMACH, PUNCH THAT MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT IN IT'S GODDAMN FACE. YOU DON'T NEED A HAMBURGER, YOU DON'T EVEN NEED 50 HAMBURGERS, YOU NEED FUCKING PUSHMO. THIS SHIT IS BANANAS. PLAY THIS SHIT AND YOU'LL FORGET ABOUT EVER EATING AGAIN.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL DOING READING THIS?

GO. GO FUCKING BUY PUSHMO AND THANK ME LATER. I'M GOING TO GO PLAY IT AGAIN RIGHT NOW, FUCK ENDING THIS POST IN A MEANINGFUL WAY, THAT'S FOR PUSSIES AND MOTHERFUCKERS, THIS IS GODDAMN PUSHMO. THIS SHIT IS ADDICTING AS FUCK. I'M PRETTY GODDAMN SURE ZELDA WAS ADDICTED TO THIS SHIT, AND THAT'S WHY SHE STARTED PUSHING LINK OFF CLIFFS. IT WAS ALL PRACTICE FOR PUSHMO. IT ALL MAKES SENSE.

Leading to Link's death since 2011.

How to Drink Like a Badass Motherfucker (who fucks shit up with their enormous penis)

Disclaimer: If you take this post seriously, and follow these instructions, you will get pregnant and die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. If you follow these instructions and then complain to me that they did not work properly, I swear I will go down to the local animal shelter and buy you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. Then, on some dark, cold night, I will break into your home and I will punch you in the face.

Srs Bsns

Anyways, now that that's out of the way, let's talk about drinking.

When you're a male and you drink, there are several unspoken expectations that come along with drinking with a group. Other individuals have expectations of what you can and cannot drink and how much you can and cannot drink. If you do not meet their expectations, you, in their eyes, have a massive gaping vagina.

The Audrey II of Vaginas

Let's cover these expectations to see how to handle them:

To be straight to the point, when you go to a bar with a group of male friends, the man rules say you can't order an appletini. I'm not sure if this is because apples are healthy, and being healthy is for MASSIVE PUSSIES, if it's because appletini's do not taste like motor oil or if it's because they have a pleasurable green glow to them. Regardless, the point is that if you go to a bar with a group of SUPER MASCULINE friends and order a Appletini YOUR GODDAMN PENIS WILL FALL OFF. It is an unstoppable cursed side effect of the delicious, delicious apple.

Until this moment, Snow White was a man.

So if you can't order Appletinis, then what can you order, you ask? Simple, my good friend. You can order any type of straight alcohol that you want. ANY TYPE. If you really need to mix your alcohol with something, I SUPPOSE you can try to mix it with cranberry juice, but even then, you'll likely feel like the Grinch as you feel your penis shrink two sizes that day.

So, dear reader, you say you are completely stumped and cannot think for yourself and want a little more specific advice on what to drink? Here, let me help you.

You see, dear friend, in my travels, I have come across the most manly of manly drinks. A drink which will put hair on your chest, and proof the size of your precious testicles once and for all. A drink that no other drink can stand up to. A drink that will not only make you a manly man, but also one classy motherfucker.

I most certainly pity the unscrupulous jester who doth not order themselves thine drink

You see, dear friend, I speak of the four horsemen shot.

This shot is composed merely of four strong types of liquor, specifically Jim Bean, Jack Daniels, Johnnie Walker and Jameson. This bad-ass shot is all man. Four types of alcohol. Four manly names. Four horsemen.

And everyone knows horses are the epitome of manliness

If you've taken this shot and have yet to pass out, then congratulations. You are now clumsy drunk-ass motherfucker... however, you can obviously revel in knowing that you are a classy and manly drunk-ass motherfucker. If you've made it this far, you obviously now know that, regardless of being drunk and clumsy off your ass, the intense levels of manliness and classiness that you are exuding are all that truly matter. You are king, and the bar you suddenly have found yourself standing on and shouting from is your kingdom. Even if you get kicked out of the bar, you will know now that everything you do this night from this moment on will be full of manliness and class.

Look at that classy fucking suit

Skyward Spousal Abuse

Over the last two weeks, I picked up The Legend of Zelda; Skyward Sword for my Wii. I'm realizing by stating I picked it up "over the last two weeks" I can allow myself to sound like a rather normal functioning member of society. This certainly becomes much harder for me to do if I were to admit off the bat that I know that I just so happened to pick the game up on November 19th, because that just so happens to be the day it came out and because I just so happen to be a massive nerd.

In my defense, it's both gold and shiny

Now granted, you may tilt your head and question this claim of mine, stating: "Strange-blog-writer-who-swears-much-too-often, why do you think this makes you a massive nerd? Plenty of people in today's world reserve games and pick them up on release. Hell, plenty of people even go to midnight releases for games nowadays." To you, strange reader, I would like to make you aware that I cannot hear you and you would be better off typing that query that stating it aloud. But I digress. You see, strange reader, I did not merely reserve and pick up said game on release but I also, for starters, picked up the collector's edition with the gold controller.

No real gold was harmed in the making of this controller.

Now again, you may state that that's not too bad in itself, to which I'll simply admit that I also listened to the included music CD on my drive home. I listened the fuck out of that CD, and when the Spirit Tracks theme came on during the medley, I fake tooted an imaginary train whistle in my car, just like I would always do in game.

Toot toot, motherfucker.

Anyways, in stating just how much of a massive nerd I am, I feel I've perhaps lost my train of thought with my original point about this game. Now granted, stating I've "lost my train of thought" in my thinking truly just makes me want to post another image of Spirit Tracks, but I'll hold myself together, and try to avoid that horrible pun just because I love you guys so much.

Seriously guys, I'm quite sorry for derailing the original topic at hand. I'll be sure not to go off track again.

Now, having played my fair share of Skyward Sword by this point, having owned it for almost two weeks, I must admit that there's been a few things in the game that have caught my attention. As with any Zelda, the game play in Skyward Sword is amazing, the graphics and artwork are beautiful, and the story has it's fair share of interesting twists and turns. That being said, I'm not here to talk to you about any of that, my dear readers. I'm here today to talk to you about something from this game which is much, much more serious.

I'm here to talk to you about spousal abuse in the land of Skyloft.

It's always the quiet ones...

You see, in this game, unlike most other games in the series, when Link meets Zelda she is not even yet royalty. As the idea of a Zelda not born of royalty is a rather new one in the Zelda series, the game creators could have taken this in a lot of different directions. They could have simply made Zelda a fellow Skyloft academy student. They could have made her long time childhood friends with Link. They could have made a smart, pretty and assertive girl with musical talent. In the end, however, Nintendo decided not to simply make Zelda one of these personalities, but, instead, to make Zelda a homicidal maniac who masquerades as all three of the above personalities at once. Over the course of the first half hour of the game, Zelda intentionally shoves you off of cliffs twice. She acts innocent enough about it and even "saves you" herself the first time she does it, but granted, I have a hard time truly considering her having "saved" Link considering she was the one who put him in danger in the first place. Surely if I took a friend to a pond and held their head underwater until they passed out, then I quickly carried them to safety, performed CPR and saved them, I wouldn't be marked a hero. Yet, somehow, friends of mine who have played this game state that Zelda's behavior is okay, merely because she doesn't actually allow link to die. In my opinion, one of the scariest things is that you don't necessarily know she doesn't let Link die. There's been plenty of different "Link"s over the span of the series, and just because you don't die by Zelda's hand over the course of the game doesn't mean Zelda hasn't killed several Links in the past.

I believe Zelda just lets them pile up down at the surface. No one goes down there anyways.

After having shoved you off two cliffs, I started to think maybe Zelda was becoming overcome by guilt. She starts to act a little nicer and more concerned about you. Pretty soon you get to a point where Zelda smiles at you and pulls you in, supposedly for a kiss. At least, that's what it looks like she's planning, but if you believe that's what she does, you'd be wrong.

This is the last thing you see before being shoved off a 50 foot tall statue.

Now granted, not long after this point in the game, you come across a section which kicks your main adventure into action once Zelda gets blown away in a tornado. My real question, playing the game, was why doesn't your adventure end right here? If Link were to go about his every day life at this point, and not tell anyone what happened to Zelda, he could finally start going to the academy each day without having to make excuses about how he "fell down the stairs". He'd be able to relax and live a happy, healthy and carefree life. Hell, this game is meant to be a prequel of the series, and at this point nothing is even threatening the lives of the townspeople up in Skyloft. The whole series could have ended right there.

And the master sword sleeps... forever!

Instead, Link decides, for whatever reason, to inform the townspeople of what happened to Zelda and to personally go off on an adventure to find her, thus kicking off the game. Now, granted, I haven't played the game to it's completion, but from how the game began, I can only imagine the game ending in one possible way. And it isn't pretty.

Seriously, this is some pretty fucking crazy, ass shit.

Flash forward to the end of the game. Link finds Zelda and frees her from whatever danger she's in. Zelda smiles and looks around for cliffs, only to note that they're in a room that is completely level. Zelda, in a seemingly nice display of kindness, goes to hug link, only to grab his shield off his back and REPEATEDLY BASH HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH THE GODDAMN THING until he goes unconscious. Link wakes up to Zelda's smiling face up in Skyloft. Zelda and the rest of the townspeople live in peace and prosperity for the rest of their days, while Link loses his memory and forgets how much of a BATSHIT CRAZY BITCH Zelda is. As a result, Link passes down to his ancestors that Zelda saved his life and that it is their responsibility to protect her and her lineage for the rest of their days. And thus Nintendo's epic "family friendly" series full of spousal abuse comes to it's beginning.