How to Drink Like a Badass Motherfucker (who fucks shit up with their enormous penis)

Disclaimer: If you take this post seriously, and follow these instructions, you will get pregnant and die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. If you follow these instructions and then complain to me that they did not work properly, I swear I will go down to the local animal shelter and buy you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. Then, on some dark, cold night, I will break into your home and I will punch you in the face.

Srs Bsns

Anyways, now that that's out of the way, let's talk about drinking.

When you're a male and you drink, there are several unspoken expectations that come along with drinking with a group. Other individuals have expectations of what you can and cannot drink and how much you can and cannot drink. If you do not meet their expectations, you, in their eyes, have a massive gaping vagina.

The Audrey II of Vaginas

Let's cover these expectations to see how to handle them:

To be straight to the point, when you go to a bar with a group of male friends, the man rules say you can't order an appletini. I'm not sure if this is because apples are healthy, and being healthy is for MASSIVE PUSSIES, if it's because appletini's do not taste like motor oil or if it's because they have a pleasurable green glow to them. Regardless, the point is that if you go to a bar with a group of SUPER MASCULINE friends and order a Appletini YOUR GODDAMN PENIS WILL FALL OFF. It is an unstoppable cursed side effect of the delicious, delicious apple.

Until this moment, Snow White was a man.

So if you can't order Appletinis, then what can you order, you ask? Simple, my good friend. You can order any type of straight alcohol that you want. ANY TYPE. If you really need to mix your alcohol with something, I SUPPOSE you can try to mix it with cranberry juice, but even then, you'll likely feel like the Grinch as you feel your penis shrink two sizes that day.

So, dear reader, you say you are completely stumped and cannot think for yourself and want a little more specific advice on what to drink? Here, let me help you.

You see, dear friend, in my travels, I have come across the most manly of manly drinks. A drink which will put hair on your chest, and proof the size of your precious testicles once and for all. A drink that no other drink can stand up to. A drink that will not only make you a manly man, but also one classy motherfucker.

I most certainly pity the unscrupulous jester who doth not order themselves thine drink

You see, dear friend, I speak of the four horsemen shot.

This shot is composed merely of four strong types of liquor, specifically Jim Bean, Jack Daniels, Johnnie Walker and Jameson. This bad-ass shot is all man. Four types of alcohol. Four manly names. Four horsemen.

And everyone knows horses are the epitome of manliness

If you've taken this shot and have yet to pass out, then congratulations. You are now clumsy drunk-ass motherfucker... however, you can obviously revel in knowing that you are a classy and manly drunk-ass motherfucker. If you've made it this far, you obviously now know that, regardless of being drunk and clumsy off your ass, the intense levels of manliness and classiness that you are exuding are all that truly matter. You are king, and the bar you suddenly have found yourself standing on and shouting from is your kingdom. Even if you get kicked out of the bar, you will know now that everything you do this night from this moment on will be full of manliness and class.

Look at that classy fucking suit