Push, Mofo, Push!

Out of some level of what must be either obscene curiosity or crippling masochism, I follow Nintendo's release schedule for their 3DS eshop every single week. Every Thursday, Nintendo releases new "games" upon this "service" as they typically sit in their headquarters, laughing evilly while stroking a cat with one hand and rubbing their chins with their other hand.

Pictured: Nintendo of America

Now granted, you may notice that I used quotes above around both the words "games" and "service". This is because more often than not, Nintendo releases something shitty like a black and white version of golf or Pac-Man and calls it a day. Essentially, it's like going to a shoe shine booth, after hearing that the worker gives special deals once a week on Thursday, only to have him spit on your shoe and ask for 10 dollars. Sure, maybe he charged you 5 bucks less than he would have any other day, but in the end, you're still the schmuck with a dirty shoe that now has saliva on it. And when you have Nintendo fans waiting curiously to see what gifts you come bearing this week, releasing the shittiest possible version of some game no one cares about is truly the equivalent of throwing a saliva-covered shoe right into the goddamn faces of your fans.

And honestly, who throws a shoe?

Now, the reason I bring up the Eshop and all it's torture is because Nintendo did something strange this week. This past week, Nintendo released a game which was not only not complete and utter shit, but actually enjoyable to an obscene level. You see, I would compare this last week's release of Pushmo as the "needle in a haystack" of eshop releases, but I feel like that simile doesn't truly give the game justice. You see, Pushmo is more than that. Pushmo is the glistening pearl in the sack full of turd that is the eshop. It is the delicious ice cream in the pit full of piranhas that is the eshop. IT IS THE GODDAMN HAY IN THE NEEDLESTACK OF THE ESHOP. Granted, by the time you dig through that many needles, your hand is numb, you've bit through your tongue in pain and you've died a little inside, but goddammit, YOU FOUND THE FUCKING HAY.

And this is even better than hay, because that shit is useless to you
unless you're some horse or goat or some shit.

Needless to say, Pushmo is pretty fucking fun. You don't really need much background to even get into it, but the short story is this. A bunch of little kids are playing around in a park and they get trapped in the various playground-esque structures all over the park. It quickly becomes your job as Mallo, an odd fat, red, character of some sort, to traverse the park and save all the children.

Mallo (Artist's Rendering)

Anyways, before you know it, you're pushing and pulling shit all over the place like a fucking boss. This game will throw puzzles of all shapes and sizes at you, and before you know it, it'll be 12 hours later and you've have solved them all. I've gotten more goddamn play time out of this thing than most 3DS retail games.

All this and this goddamn thing only cost me 7 dollars. Seriously, bitch, what else are you going to do with your seven dollars? Buy a goddamn coffee at Starbucks? Buy a small meal at McDonald's? FUCK YOUR GODDAMN STOMACH, PUNCH THAT MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT IN IT'S GODDAMN FACE. YOU DON'T NEED A HAMBURGER, YOU DON'T EVEN NEED 50 HAMBURGERS, YOU NEED FUCKING PUSHMO. THIS SHIT IS BANANAS. PLAY THIS SHIT AND YOU'LL FORGET ABOUT EVER EATING AGAIN.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL DOING READING THIS?

GO. GO FUCKING BUY PUSHMO AND THANK ME LATER. I'M GOING TO GO PLAY IT AGAIN RIGHT NOW, FUCK ENDING THIS POST IN A MEANINGFUL WAY, THAT'S FOR PUSSIES AND MOTHERFUCKERS, THIS IS GODDAMN PUSHMO. THIS SHIT IS ADDICTING AS FUCK. I'M PRETTY GODDAMN SURE ZELDA WAS ADDICTED TO THIS SHIT, AND THAT'S WHY SHE STARTED PUSHING LINK OFF CLIFFS. IT WAS ALL PRACTICE FOR PUSHMO. IT ALL MAKES SENSE.

Leading to Link's death since 2011.