An Update or Something Like It

I know I haven’t updated in a while, somewhat to the point where a lot of people were wondering if I still existed, but I’m happy to tell you that the trend of not updating is now ending. Now, I could easily make a long winded and serious post about why I haven’t updated in forever, but I've essentially done that before and I feel that too many posts of that sort take away from what I originally intended for this blog to be. So, that being said, I’m hoping to make this post full of all the uncomfortable humor, ridiculous metaphors and weird puns that many of you have come to know this blog for. In short, in this post, we’re all going to have fun again. Admittedly, it might be kind of awkward and uncomfortable fun, like the fun had by a hooker on “Bring Your Daughter to Work” day, but it’ll be fun nonetheless.

"...Daddy?"

While I don’t want to make some serious post, I figure I just owe you guys a quick explanation and at least some reasoning of why you should actually, seriously be expecting more posts again from now on. I mean, I've outright said in the past that “I’ll post more from now on” and nothings come from it, so I can understand if some of you might be a bit doubtful to hear me saying that again now.

On July 18th 2012: "No seriously guys! Suddenly updates! Thousands of them!"

In general, I don’t talk about my personal life all that often on here, but to give you all a quick explanation of what’s been going on, I just took and completed my last semester of college classes over these last few months. At no point during the semester did I honestly “forget” about my blog and I often had that nagging feeling that I really should update, but it was hard for me to justify doing so as I often don’t have the easiest time concentrating enough to write to begin with and I essentially felt that any time that I could concentrate on writing was time that I needed to be spending writing essays for class. At this point in time, however, my essays and courses are all complete and I've now become a college graduate so it’s much easier for me to justify updating again.

For having just graduated college, you'd think they'd realize those pointy hats are going  to come back down and hurt like hell once they do.

Honestly, this personal justification to post truly couldn't have come at a better time as I've had the nagging urge to post for 5 months now, and I’m not quite sure how much longer I could have put it off without either going crazy or reaching a point where all of my readers simply lost interest in waiting for my newest crazy ramblings and moved on to someone else’s.

For those who have never kept a blog, this nagging feeling inside is kind of like setting the timer on the microwave after you throw a frozen pizza in the oven. Eventually, that timer is going to go off, and it’s going to buzz incessantly over and over and over. You could ignore that buzzing for a little bit, but it’s going to start to get rather grating. You still have to go into the kitchen and pull that pizza out eventually, but if you ignore the buzzing for too long, you may just find yourself welcomed later by a burnt and blackened crisp of what was once your pizza. Sure, you could pull that pizza out and try to make the best of it by scraping off the burnt parts, but there comes a point where you’re just going to be left with an unrecognizable piece of charcoal. By making this new post, and more subsequent posts in a timely manner, I’m admitting that I have kind of fucked up that pizza, but I’m going to throw in another one and give it another chance. Perhaps one with some BBQ chicken, because come on, let’s really treat ourselves to something nice this time.

Alternatively, we probably should have ordered delivery. I should not be trusted with ovens.

To truly give you guys an idea how determined I am to revive my blog to its former glory, I feel it is worth mentioning to you all that I am currently writing this blog entry without having any internet access. Though this really just means that I’m typing this post into a word document on my laptop as I’m laying on a bed while on vacation, you shouldn't underestimate the danger that I’m putting myself into for you all. You see, my laptop is laying upon that bed with me, and this laptop is old and decrepit enough that it’s actually emitted sparks and smoke before and twice just stopped short of setting a bed on fire.

Think this, with less bush and more bed.

If the image that I've just given you all has earned me no sympathy whatsoever, then try and imagine instead that I am currently chiseling this blog post onto a couple of rocks at the top of a mountain top. Surely you would feel some sympathy then, especially as I would later have to transcribe those rocks by hand so that I could actually upload them to my blog for future generations to see and enjoy.

"TODAY I FIND BIG ROCK. ROCK REMIND ME OF PROSTITUTE. TURN ROCK OVER FOR REST OF POST."

If you don’t feel sorry for me by now, then you’re either a heartless bastard or likely uncomfortable and possibly offended that I have partially compared myself to both an individual and a bush from the bible in just one post. If so, I promise you that I don’t compare myself to bushes very often, and I’ll try not to do so in the future. Though I've seen some nice bushes in my day, and I certainly respect what they stand for, I admittedly would be very frustrated if I were in their position. Not only are they expected to remain leafy and stationary at all times, but they never have received the same respect and attention as trees. People will often stand against the destruction of incredibly old and/or well-known trees, but have you ever seen someone come to the protection of a bush?

Equal rights for all foliage!

But I digress. In short, though it is likely that you won’t get to read this until it is 2013, I hope you will all stay with me for more posts! I’m sure I still have plenty of ridiculous humor in me to write about. I was actually even going to write about things besides my blog in this post, but I’m saving that for another post, as this one has ended up to be much longer (and hopefully more entertaining) than I imagined it would. Keep your eyes peeled as I will be making it one of my new year’s resolutions to write more!

P.S. Just for anyone who may be wondering, the results for searching images for "well trimmed bush" in Google is not as bad as one might expect...