Dropping Some Moblins and Some Sick Beats

Music has always had a certain power to me. I think sometimes I underestimate it or perhaps even forget about it, but there's something to it. I've found that a lot of fond memories are attached to certain songs and when they're connected to a song both the song and the memory itself bring that much more of a smile to myself whenever they cross my mind.

Building off that, I've found over the years that I've had an interesting relationship with music/rhythm video games. Early on I never actually found them all that exciting. I remember a general feeling of "So you just hit a button to the beat? Sounds boring" and while that may still technically be what music video games are at their most basic level, I've started to find that they can be so much more than that and that there can be so much variety among them.

Over the past year or two, one newer music game I've encountered is DanceRush Stardom. When I first saw the game, it quickly perked my interest because of the cabinet floor. Unlike Dance Dance Revolution, there were no actual "buttons" or "arrows". It was simply a single connected floor that detects where your feet are. It seemed to me like something that would allow a lot more freedom of movement and interesting steps.

Don't look into the light!

While it definitely did that, it also quickly reminded me of something else from DDR and those music games of old... which is that they can be quite a workout. Unlike those, this one actually even requires you to jump and duck as it detects whether or not you do. I don't even think I realized how much I was moving over the few songs that I did. You quickly realize something else missing compared to DDR as well, that being the back bar. That's right, DanceRush Stardom doesn't care if you fall on your face. DanceRush Stardom isn't here for your bullshit.

Joke's on them, now I can hit steps with my FACE.

I do have to say though, between the jumping, ducking and weaving, sometimes I can't help but feel pretty "slick" when I'm playing DanceRush Stardom. It's a really nice feeling, though I certainly wouldn't want to watch a video of myself playing as I can only imagine it would ruin the illusion. What feels cool at the time would probably look more in hindsight like a combination of a drunk goose and a panda having a seizure.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, another music/rhythm game I've found myself greatly enjoying lately is Theatrhythm Final Fantasy. Unlike DanceRush Stardom, Thearhythm doesn't require you to use your whole body.  Although the controls different slightly based on if you're playing on 3DS or in the arcade, for the most part you'll just be using your hands and wrists.

Something about it still makes me think of a DJ turntable...

No one would ever mistaken Thearhythm for a workout but it's not supposed to be. I've often found it to be quite calming. There's probably something to be said for it being the first (though now not only) arcade game I've ever seen where you can plug in your own headphones. The Final Fantasy music for the most part can be pretty relaxing and the nostalgic aspect helps too.

I think one thing over the past years that slightly pulled me away from music games is my increasing backlog and increasing tendency to be a bit of a "completionist". Now that I track all my games on my backloggery, I find that I like to try to 100% as many of them as I can. The thing is though... as much as I enjoy rhythm/music games, I've realized over the years how insane they can get and that I will never, ever 100% complete one. I would be more likely to 100% complete an Animal Crossing game than I would a rhythm one.

Do you realize how much STUFF they shove in here?

But... maybe I don't HAVE to get that 100% in a rhythm game. Maybe I can always come back to it down the line and do a little better, the same way you're supposed to come back to a game like Animal Crossing months and even years later. Maybe I can go back to the days of old where not everything had to be measured by "completion" and "play time" and just get lost in the music, whether that music is relaxing or exhilarating.

All of this brings me to something that keeps catching my eye... Cadence of Hyrule. I kept hearing Crypt of the NecroDancer was very good, but something, perhaps the backlog and completionist tendencies, prevented me from ever actually picking it up. I kept telling myself "maybe on a sale" but a few sales have come and gone without me grabbing it. Suddenly though, Cadence of Hyrule was announced and up'd the ante by suddenly adding The Legend of Zelda to the mix. Considering everything, how could I resist that?

You interrupted their band practice, who's the real bad guy here?

There's been some rumors that Cadence of Hyrule will release this week and I am definitely hoping that's the case! DanceRush Stardom might have brought my rhythm game joy back to the forefront but perhaps Cadence of Hyrule will expand it even more in the comfort of my own home... and this time without having to use my face.

Push, Mofo, Push!

Out of some level of what must be either obscene curiosity or crippling masochism, I follow Nintendo's release schedule for their 3DS eshop every single week. Every Thursday, Nintendo releases new "games" upon this "service" as they typically sit in their headquarters, laughing evilly while stroking a cat with one hand and rubbing their chins with their other hand.

Pictured: Nintendo of America

Now granted, you may notice that I used quotes above around both the words "games" and "service". This is because more often than not, Nintendo releases something shitty like a black and white version of golf or Pac-Man and calls it a day. Essentially, it's like going to a shoe shine booth, after hearing that the worker gives special deals once a week on Thursday, only to have him spit on your shoe and ask for 10 dollars. Sure, maybe he charged you 5 bucks less than he would have any other day, but in the end, you're still the schmuck with a dirty shoe that now has saliva on it. And when you have Nintendo fans waiting curiously to see what gifts you come bearing this week, releasing the shittiest possible version of some game no one cares about is truly the equivalent of throwing a saliva-covered shoe right into the goddamn faces of your fans.

And honestly, who throws a shoe?

Now, the reason I bring up the Eshop and all it's torture is because Nintendo did something strange this week. This past week, Nintendo released a game which was not only not complete and utter shit, but actually enjoyable to an obscene level. You see, I would compare this last week's release of Pushmo as the "needle in a haystack" of eshop releases, but I feel like that simile doesn't truly give the game justice. You see, Pushmo is more than that. Pushmo is the glistening pearl in the sack full of turd that is the eshop. It is the delicious ice cream in the pit full of piranhas that is the eshop. IT IS THE GODDAMN HAY IN THE NEEDLESTACK OF THE ESHOP. Granted, by the time you dig through that many needles, your hand is numb, you've bit through your tongue in pain and you've died a little inside, but goddammit, YOU FOUND THE FUCKING HAY.

And this is even better than hay, because that shit is useless to you
unless you're some horse or goat or some shit.

Needless to say, Pushmo is pretty fucking fun. You don't really need much background to even get into it, but the short story is this. A bunch of little kids are playing around in a park and they get trapped in the various playground-esque structures all over the park. It quickly becomes your job as Mallo, an odd fat, red, character of some sort, to traverse the park and save all the children.

Mallo (Artist's Rendering)

Anyways, before you know it, you're pushing and pulling shit all over the place like a fucking boss. This game will throw puzzles of all shapes and sizes at you, and before you know it, it'll be 12 hours later and you've have solved them all. I've gotten more goddamn play time out of this thing than most 3DS retail games.

All this and this goddamn thing only cost me 7 dollars. Seriously, bitch, what else are you going to do with your seven dollars? Buy a goddamn coffee at Starbucks? Buy a small meal at McDonald's? FUCK YOUR GODDAMN STOMACH, PUNCH THAT MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT IN IT'S GODDAMN FACE. YOU DON'T NEED A HAMBURGER, YOU DON'T EVEN NEED 50 HAMBURGERS, YOU NEED FUCKING PUSHMO. THIS SHIT IS BANANAS. PLAY THIS SHIT AND YOU'LL FORGET ABOUT EVER EATING AGAIN.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL DOING READING THIS?

GO. GO FUCKING BUY PUSHMO AND THANK ME LATER. I'M GOING TO GO PLAY IT AGAIN RIGHT NOW, FUCK ENDING THIS POST IN A MEANINGFUL WAY, THAT'S FOR PUSSIES AND MOTHERFUCKERS, THIS IS GODDAMN PUSHMO. THIS SHIT IS ADDICTING AS FUCK. I'M PRETTY GODDAMN SURE ZELDA WAS ADDICTED TO THIS SHIT, AND THAT'S WHY SHE STARTED PUSHING LINK OFF CLIFFS. IT WAS ALL PRACTICE FOR PUSHMO. IT ALL MAKES SENSE.

Leading to Link's death since 2011.

Metroid by Michael Bay

I've recently been trying to go through my backlog of games I own that I've yet to play and this has led me to start playing Metroid Other M for the first time. I've heard such a mixture of things about the game, both good and bad, and I feel like, having played some, I'm finally starting to understand both sides of the argument. The game certainly looks amazing, and plays very uniquely. In fact, probably one of the biggest complaints I could make about the game is that sometimes it's too intense, which obviously doesn't sound like a complaint, but hear me out.

Rated T for TOTALLY AWESOME AT ALL FUCKING TIMES WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.

Sometimes I get into battle after battle after epic battle and the game throws all these crazy things at you. Early in it teaches you, rather matter-of-factly, that you can do some extra damage if you jump on top of enemies and SHOOT THEM RIGHT IN THEIR FUCKING FACES, BECAUSE FUCK YEAH, THAT'S WHY.

I swear this poor alien just tried to ask Samus for directions to the bathroom.

It's very, very often that the game is just incredibly, incredibly flashy, just for the mere hell of it. When you get in battles, pressing a direction on the control pad at the right moment will not only allow you to dodge attacks, but will also send you fucking back-flipping and somersaulting across half the room. Pressing towards a nearly dead enemy while you charge your charge beam will not only kill the enemy, but will automatically grab it by the face, shove your arm cannon in it's mouth and blast it apart.

Merely writing that made me feel like a criminal sadist, so here's a picture of a puppy.

Essentially, if you haven't caught my main point yet, it's that the game can be overly flashy for no real reason. Most people may compare this to Michael Bay's Transformer's movies, and for good reason, but I like to draw my own original comparisons. Comparisons which can be understood even by those who are unfamiliar with pop culture.


That being said, imagine you have a girlfriend that you live with. She's generally pretty awesome and you have no intentions to leave her. In fact, you're actually trying to decide if you should propose to her soon, yet she seems to be constantly worried that you're not happy. So, because of this, every time you come home, this girlfriend gets down on her knees and blows you. EVERY TIME. Is it nice? Sure. Is it necessary? Of course not.

Metroid: Other M is that girlfriend.

I guess essentially what I'm trying to say is that Metroid: Other M is not a bad game by any means, it just tries too hard sometimes. Still, if you find that you happen to be a fan of both the Transformers movies and blowjobs, I'd certainly suggest giving Other M a try. You just might like it.