Metroid by Michael Bay

I've recently been trying to go through my backlog of games I own that I've yet to play and this has led me to start playing Metroid Other M for the first time. I've heard such a mixture of things about the game, both good and bad, and I feel like, having played some, I'm finally starting to understand both sides of the argument. The game certainly looks amazing, and plays very uniquely. In fact, probably one of the biggest complaints I could make about the game is that sometimes it's too intense, which obviously doesn't sound like a complaint, but hear me out.

Rated T for TOTALLY AWESOME AT ALL FUCKING TIMES WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.

Sometimes I get into battle after battle after epic battle and the game throws all these crazy things at you. Early in it teaches you, rather matter-of-factly, that you can do some extra damage if you jump on top of enemies and SHOOT THEM RIGHT IN THEIR FUCKING FACES, BECAUSE FUCK YEAH, THAT'S WHY.

I swear this poor alien just tried to ask Samus for directions to the bathroom.

It's very, very often that the game is just incredibly, incredibly flashy, just for the mere hell of it. When you get in battles, pressing a direction on the control pad at the right moment will not only allow you to dodge attacks, but will also send you fucking back-flipping and somersaulting across half the room. Pressing towards a nearly dead enemy while you charge your charge beam will not only kill the enemy, but will automatically grab it by the face, shove your arm cannon in it's mouth and blast it apart.

Merely writing that made me feel like a criminal sadist, so here's a picture of a puppy.

Essentially, if you haven't caught my main point yet, it's that the game can be overly flashy for no real reason. Most people may compare this to Michael Bay's Transformer's movies, and for good reason, but I like to draw my own original comparisons. Comparisons which can be understood even by those who are unfamiliar with pop culture.


That being said, imagine you have a girlfriend that you live with. She's generally pretty awesome and you have no intentions to leave her. In fact, you're actually trying to decide if you should propose to her soon, yet she seems to be constantly worried that you're not happy. So, because of this, every time you come home, this girlfriend gets down on her knees and blows you. EVERY TIME. Is it nice? Sure. Is it necessary? Of course not.

Metroid: Other M is that girlfriend.

I guess essentially what I'm trying to say is that Metroid: Other M is not a bad game by any means, it just tries too hard sometimes. Still, if you find that you happen to be a fan of both the Transformers movies and blowjobs, I'd certainly suggest giving Other M a try. You just might like it.