Chocobos Not Guaranteed

When I woke up Saturday morning, my day was not looking great. Not only had I slept later than intended but the only plans that I had for the day had been cancelled on me. With a slight sigh of disappointment, I told myself that I was not going to let this ruin my day. No, I told myself, today was going to be a day of epic adventure, even if I had to go on that adventure by myself. 

Anyways, as any nerdy young adult will tell you, there is one and only one proper way to start any good adventure and that proper way is with both pizza and video games.

Cookies optional.

Fortunately, in a nearby mall, there just so happens to be a pizzeria with a GameStop only a couple of doors away. After enjoying some pizza, I made my way into said GameStop. While I was initially just looking for a cheap copy of Final Fantasy III for DS, I was keeping my eyes open to see if anything else caught my interest. As I glanced around the small and foreboding dungeon that is my local GameStop, it just so happened that a game caught my eye after all. The game's box was adorned with a small boy and a yellow chicken. They both looked up at me pleadingly, wanting me to bring them home.

How can you say no to that cock?!

Though the box looked a little beat up, I just couldn't help but grow more and more curious. This game was one that I had seen before, but I had never played it. As I saw this game in the store with my own eyes, I noted that it was the last copy and that it was now selling for a mere $9.99. Though I admittedly didn't necessarily feel at that point that I needed the game, I certainly felt that, at $9.99, I didn't really have anything to lose. Taking that into consideration, I scooped up both Chocobo's Dungeon and Final Fantasy III and brought them to the register. Once I handed the boxes to the cashier, he started to fish through the various cabinets behind the counter in an effort to find the actual carts. Within a minute or two, the clerk found Final Fantasy III and put it on the register before diving back into the cabinets in a desperate search for Chocobo's Dungeon. Minutes ticked away while more and more cabinets were opened and examined thoroughly. Cabinets I had not even previously noticed the existence of were ruffled through in the search. After a good 5 to 10 minutes of this, the clerk looked at me with regret. "I'm sorry, but it seems we don't actually have Chocobo's Dungeon. We just have the box." He informed me. I nodded in understanding, not particularly hurt by this turn of events, but the cogs in my mind were already turning. For most individuals, the events that had just transpired would have no meaning whatsoever but I was not "most individuals". For me, what had just transpired was a sign. This game, which I initially had only the smallest of passing interest in, was now an unobtainable trinket. What had seemed to be a completely unimportant exchange at first turned out to be the marker for a much bigger adventure to come. I knew from that moment on that I wanted... no... needed that game.

My Preeeeeeeeeeeeecious...

As I got back to my car with Final Fantasy III in hand, I tried to focus my mind. I told myself that I was an adult and that I just couldn't spend my whole Saturday searching for a game that may or may not even be any good. I got my bearings together and contacted a friend through my phone and thus made myself new plans to go see a movie. The two of us decided that we would start heading to the theater right away and meet there. We weren't totally sure what we were actually doing, to be honest. We figured we would see either Snow White and the Huntsman or The Avengers but both of us were rather indecisive and unsure. When we got to the movie theater, it was 6:00 and neither movie would be showing until 6:30. Something else caught my eye at the theater, however, and its pull was actually enough to get me to forget about Chocobo's Dungeon temporarily. That something was a movie which I had not even realized was out. That movie was... Safety Not Guaranteed. The few individuals reading who have even vaguely heard of this movie probably think that it's got to be completely and positively horrible. I truly cannot blame these individuals, as I certainly believed this myself, but then I learned that this is apparently not the case. You see, dear readers, not only did the trailer for this movie look quite interesting, but the movie is actually rated a 92% on Rotten Tomatoes. To give you a general idea to compare with, Batman: The Dark Knight Rises, a big summer blockbuster which had just broken the day before, only had an 87%. Having seen this, I was simply in even more awe than I was at seeing the existence of the movie in general.

Apparently srs bsness

At this point, I knew that, no questions asked, we had to see Safety Not Guaranteed. Unfortunately, the only showing of this movie was at 7:30 and this now gave us a whole extra hour to kill. Undeterred by this new change in our plans, we decided we would walk around the local area and look at the shops. As my friend knew the area much, much better than I did, he led the way as I trotted along behind him. We walked blocks and blocks, seeming to be getting nowhere. Oddly enough, the whole area we walked through was just sidewalks, trees and houses and I questioned if my friend truly knew where these "shops" were or if this was perhaps a complex plot to lose me in the depths of this neighborhood so that he could go see the movie by himself. Perhaps it was my own safety that wasn't guaranteed... As all of these thoughts swarmed around in my head, we started to make small talk:

Me: Man, I'm thirsty. Any idea if there's a store to get drinks where we're going?

Friend: Of course! There's some bodegas down this way, it's all good.

Me: Bodegas...? Isn't that a Spanish dish?

Friend: No, it's those little corner stores where you can buy drinks and candy and such.

Pictured: Not bodegas apparently

Before too much longer, we made our way to a corner store and grabbed some drinks as we made some more small talk. While we walked with our drinks, I thought back to earlier that afternoon and informed my friend of my immense regret that I had suffered as a result of my failure to secure myself a copy of Chocobo's Dungeon. As we still had plenty of time left before the movie, my friend lifted an eyebrow in curiosity and informed me that there just so happened to be GameStop right near by us. As we walked down a side street and entered this new GameStop, I looked around a bit before inquiring with an employee whether or not they had Chocobo's Dungeon for Wii. The employee looked down for a second, before narrowing his eyes slightly. Though he didn't quite glare at me, the employee truly gave me a look of uncertainty and precaution.

Employee: Have you played it...? You know it's all randomized dungeons and-

Me: Yes.

I not only interrupted the employee but I lied to him. I lied straight to his face. 

Ehhh, what can I do?

The employee sort of shrugged this off and started to look up the game in the computer. After a moment, he informed me that they did not have the game in stock... but that a different nearby GameStop did. He informed me that the other GameStop was about a 10 minute walk from there and, with a quick glance of my own at my friend, I was also informed that this walk would be in the opposite direction of the movie theater. We thanked the employee and walked out of the GameStop, trying to decide a plan of attack while standing in front of it.

At this point, a number of different thoughts were echoing within my head while we stood there. Though I certainly knew that I now needed this game more than ever, that was certainly not the only thought in my head.

Oh god, now it thinks it's a White Mage. That bastard is too fucking adorable.

You see, as much as my I wanted this game, I now found myself wondering if perhaps there was more to this game than what meets the eye. Certainly I had never had such an issue finding a game before, especially when it was a game that, well, no one gives a damn about. What if there was only one copy of the game in the world? What if there were no copies of the game in the world? What if the game was cursed and playing it would kill me and turn me into a giant yellow chicken, possibly in that order? 

The last person who played Chocobo's Dungeon.

As all these thoughts swirled around in my head, we made the decision to walk to the other GameStop, and walk we did. We didn't care that it was nearly already 7:00 as we knew that we were in much too deep now and that we had to see this quest to its end. As we walked blocks and blocks and blocks, it seemed as if we weren't actually getting anywhere. While we walked, we looked for the GameStop endlessly and it never seemed to appear but, once all our energy and nearly all our hope was gone, it suddenly appeared right in front of our eyes.  

Lamest mirage ever.

When we walked into this GameStop, I made my way to the cashier rather quickly. It was already almost 7:15 and it seemed like we had no chance of catching the movie whatsoever. At the cashier, I encountered a friendly Asian girl who was willing to help. With a slight smile, knowing my adventure was finally coming to a close, I inquired to the clerk if the store had Chocobo's Dungeon for Wii. As the girl looked back at me, her mouth dropped open slightly and her eyes widened. She was silent for a moment and, from her look alone, I was half expecting that she would rotate her head 360 degrees, devour my soul and shout at me in a demonic voice to stay far, far away from that game. To my surprise, none of that happened as the girl meekly  exclaimed to me that she had just seen one copy in the back... but that she wanted it for herself.

This is what I noticed staring at me across the counter.

As the girl went in the back to retrieve the game, I pictured how this situation would go if I were the protagonist in an action movie. The girl would come back with the game and I would frown slightly, take a breath, and explain to her that I don't want it. I would explain that this miraculous unobtainable trinket that I had been questing for hours for that was now within my grasp was not what I really wanted. I would explain that I found so much of the joy and excitement that I needed through my quest for the game that I did not need the game itself.

Unfortunately, none of that really mattered as I am not a protagonist in an action movie and my friend would have killed me if I made him walk all the way over there for nothing. Granted, I did feel some guilt pulling at my heart strings, but I needed that game. Though the clerk's initial response was enough to make me feel a little guilt already, this guilt only built up that much more when the girl handed me my adorably hand-drawn receipt.

WHY WOULD SHE DO THIS TO ME?

As the girl handed me my receipt, she explained to me how much she would appreciate it if I could go online and fill out a survey on the GameStop website about my positive experience that day. She underlined both her name and the web address on my receipt as she handed it to me and this was something I was very familiar with from having shopped at GameStop plenty of times before.

In short, it was that very day that GameStop broke me. I'm not proud to admit it, but it was that day that I went online and posted positive feedback of my GameStop experience. I knew that I couldn't let this girl have the game, so I let her have positive feedback instead.

This horrible memory is one that I will repress for years to come.

Anyways, surely there must be a message in here somewhere, but it's a little hard to make another Lord of the Rings metaphor at this point because I kind of doubt that Sauron would have accepted positive feedback in exchange for the one ring.