Chocobos Not Guaranteed

When I woke up Saturday morning, my day was not looking great. Not only had I slept later than intended but the only plans that I had for the day had been cancelled on me. With a slight sigh of disappointment, I told myself that I was not going to let this ruin my day. No, I told myself, today was going to be a day of epic adventure, even if I had to go on that adventure by myself. 

Anyways, as any nerdy young adult will tell you, there is one and only one proper way to start any good adventure and that proper way is with both pizza and video games.

Cookies optional.

Fortunately, in a nearby mall, there just so happens to be a pizzeria with a GameStop only a couple of doors away. After enjoying some pizza, I made my way into said GameStop. While I was initially just looking for a cheap copy of Final Fantasy III for DS, I was keeping my eyes open to see if anything else caught my interest. As I glanced around the small and foreboding dungeon that is my local GameStop, it just so happened that a game caught my eye after all. The game's box was adorned with a small boy and a yellow chicken. They both looked up at me pleadingly, wanting me to bring them home.

How can you say no to that cock?!

Though the box looked a little beat up, I just couldn't help but grow more and more curious. This game was one that I had seen before, but I had never played it. As I saw this game in the store with my own eyes, I noted that it was the last copy and that it was now selling for a mere $9.99. Though I admittedly didn't necessarily feel at that point that I needed the game, I certainly felt that, at $9.99, I didn't really have anything to lose. Taking that into consideration, I scooped up both Chocobo's Dungeon and Final Fantasy III and brought them to the register. Once I handed the boxes to the cashier, he started to fish through the various cabinets behind the counter in an effort to find the actual carts. Within a minute or two, the clerk found Final Fantasy III and put it on the register before diving back into the cabinets in a desperate search for Chocobo's Dungeon. Minutes ticked away while more and more cabinets were opened and examined thoroughly. Cabinets I had not even previously noticed the existence of were ruffled through in the search. After a good 5 to 10 minutes of this, the clerk looked at me with regret. "I'm sorry, but it seems we don't actually have Chocobo's Dungeon. We just have the box." He informed me. I nodded in understanding, not particularly hurt by this turn of events, but the cogs in my mind were already turning. For most individuals, the events that had just transpired would have no meaning whatsoever but I was not "most individuals". For me, what had just transpired was a sign. This game, which I initially had only the smallest of passing interest in, was now an unobtainable trinket. What had seemed to be a completely unimportant exchange at first turned out to be the marker for a much bigger adventure to come. I knew from that moment on that I wanted... no... needed that game.

My Preeeeeeeeeeeeecious...

As I got back to my car with Final Fantasy III in hand, I tried to focus my mind. I told myself that I was an adult and that I just couldn't spend my whole Saturday searching for a game that may or may not even be any good. I got my bearings together and contacted a friend through my phone and thus made myself new plans to go see a movie. The two of us decided that we would start heading to the theater right away and meet there. We weren't totally sure what we were actually doing, to be honest. We figured we would see either Snow White and the Huntsman or The Avengers but both of us were rather indecisive and unsure. When we got to the movie theater, it was 6:00 and neither movie would be showing until 6:30. Something else caught my eye at the theater, however, and its pull was actually enough to get me to forget about Chocobo's Dungeon temporarily. That something was a movie which I had not even realized was out. That movie was... Safety Not Guaranteed. The few individuals reading who have even vaguely heard of this movie probably think that it's got to be completely and positively horrible. I truly cannot blame these individuals, as I certainly believed this myself, but then I learned that this is apparently not the case. You see, dear readers, not only did the trailer for this movie look quite interesting, but the movie is actually rated a 92% on Rotten Tomatoes. To give you a general idea to compare with, Batman: The Dark Knight Rises, a big summer blockbuster which had just broken the day before, only had an 87%. Having seen this, I was simply in even more awe than I was at seeing the existence of the movie in general.

Apparently srs bsness

At this point, I knew that, no questions asked, we had to see Safety Not Guaranteed. Unfortunately, the only showing of this movie was at 7:30 and this now gave us a whole extra hour to kill. Undeterred by this new change in our plans, we decided we would walk around the local area and look at the shops. As my friend knew the area much, much better than I did, he led the way as I trotted along behind him. We walked blocks and blocks, seeming to be getting nowhere. Oddly enough, the whole area we walked through was just sidewalks, trees and houses and I questioned if my friend truly knew where these "shops" were or if this was perhaps a complex plot to lose me in the depths of this neighborhood so that he could go see the movie by himself. Perhaps it was my own safety that wasn't guaranteed... As all of these thoughts swarmed around in my head, we started to make small talk:

Me: Man, I'm thirsty. Any idea if there's a store to get drinks where we're going?

Friend: Of course! There's some bodegas down this way, it's all good.

Me: Bodegas...? Isn't that a Spanish dish?

Friend: No, it's those little corner stores where you can buy drinks and candy and such.

Pictured: Not bodegas apparently

Before too much longer, we made our way to a corner store and grabbed some drinks as we made some more small talk. While we walked with our drinks, I thought back to earlier that afternoon and informed my friend of my immense regret that I had suffered as a result of my failure to secure myself a copy of Chocobo's Dungeon. As we still had plenty of time left before the movie, my friend lifted an eyebrow in curiosity and informed me that there just so happened to be GameStop right near by us. As we walked down a side street and entered this new GameStop, I looked around a bit before inquiring with an employee whether or not they had Chocobo's Dungeon for Wii. The employee looked down for a second, before narrowing his eyes slightly. Though he didn't quite glare at me, the employee truly gave me a look of uncertainty and precaution.

Employee: Have you played it...? You know it's all randomized dungeons and-

Me: Yes.

I not only interrupted the employee but I lied to him. I lied straight to his face. 

Ehhh, what can I do?

The employee sort of shrugged this off and started to look up the game in the computer. After a moment, he informed me that they did not have the game in stock... but that a different nearby GameStop did. He informed me that the other GameStop was about a 10 minute walk from there and, with a quick glance of my own at my friend, I was also informed that this walk would be in the opposite direction of the movie theater. We thanked the employee and walked out of the GameStop, trying to decide a plan of attack while standing in front of it.

At this point, a number of different thoughts were echoing within my head while we stood there. Though I certainly knew that I now needed this game more than ever, that was certainly not the only thought in my head.

Oh god, now it thinks it's a White Mage. That bastard is too fucking adorable.

You see, as much as my I wanted this game, I now found myself wondering if perhaps there was more to this game than what meets the eye. Certainly I had never had such an issue finding a game before, especially when it was a game that, well, no one gives a damn about. What if there was only one copy of the game in the world? What if there were no copies of the game in the world? What if the game was cursed and playing it would kill me and turn me into a giant yellow chicken, possibly in that order? 

The last person who played Chocobo's Dungeon.

As all these thoughts swirled around in my head, we made the decision to walk to the other GameStop, and walk we did. We didn't care that it was nearly already 7:00 as we knew that we were in much too deep now and that we had to see this quest to its end. As we walked blocks and blocks and blocks, it seemed as if we weren't actually getting anywhere. While we walked, we looked for the GameStop endlessly and it never seemed to appear but, once all our energy and nearly all our hope was gone, it suddenly appeared right in front of our eyes.  

Lamest mirage ever.

When we walked into this GameStop, I made my way to the cashier rather quickly. It was already almost 7:15 and it seemed like we had no chance of catching the movie whatsoever. At the cashier, I encountered a friendly Asian girl who was willing to help. With a slight smile, knowing my adventure was finally coming to a close, I inquired to the clerk if the store had Chocobo's Dungeon for Wii. As the girl looked back at me, her mouth dropped open slightly and her eyes widened. She was silent for a moment and, from her look alone, I was half expecting that she would rotate her head 360 degrees, devour my soul and shout at me in a demonic voice to stay far, far away from that game. To my surprise, none of that happened as the girl meekly  exclaimed to me that she had just seen one copy in the back... but that she wanted it for herself.

This is what I noticed staring at me across the counter.

As the girl went in the back to retrieve the game, I pictured how this situation would go if I were the protagonist in an action movie. The girl would come back with the game and I would frown slightly, take a breath, and explain to her that I don't want it. I would explain that this miraculous unobtainable trinket that I had been questing for hours for that was now within my grasp was not what I really wanted. I would explain that I found so much of the joy and excitement that I needed through my quest for the game that I did not need the game itself.

Unfortunately, none of that really mattered as I am not a protagonist in an action movie and my friend would have killed me if I made him walk all the way over there for nothing. Granted, I did feel some guilt pulling at my heart strings, but I needed that game. Though the clerk's initial response was enough to make me feel a little guilt already, this guilt only built up that much more when the girl handed me my adorably hand-drawn receipt.

WHY WOULD SHE DO THIS TO ME?

As the girl handed me my receipt, she explained to me how much she would appreciate it if I could go online and fill out a survey on the GameStop website about my positive experience that day. She underlined both her name and the web address on my receipt as she handed it to me and this was something I was very familiar with from having shopped at GameStop plenty of times before.

In short, it was that very day that GameStop broke me. I'm not proud to admit it, but it was that day that I went online and posted positive feedback of my GameStop experience. I knew that I couldn't let this girl have the game, so I let her have positive feedback instead.

This horrible memory is one that I will repress for years to come.

Anyways, surely there must be a message in here somewhere, but it's a little hard to make another Lord of the Rings metaphor at this point because I kind of doubt that Sauron would have accepted positive feedback in exchange for the one ring.

Gotta Punt 'em All

For the readers that I have, I apologize for my absence on this blog. Though I could certainly come up with a number of detailed excuses to explain my absence, they generally all boil down to either busyness or depression. While busyness could certainly be looked at in some senses as a positive thing for one to experience, depression most certainly is not in any scenario whatsoever. When I first created this blog last year, I had been rather depressed and was trying to escape that depression. I believed that perhaps I could combat my depression by using this blog to find the interesting and silly moments in life, focus on them, and examine them in depth. Though I've found that I've developed quite a number of absurd and useless theories on how to deal with life while growing up, a part of me certainly believes there could still be something to this one. After all, for a while this blog did seem to help me, but then I eventually sort of felt myself fall into a rut again. At that point, I had stopped posting and no longer had the humor and silliness in words in front of me to make me laugh and smile. 

Sometimes you do have to look back to actually remember where you're going.

Anyways, without dragging this on any longer, I'm hoping tonight to change this and give myself, and all of you, something to laugh at. You see, over these past few months, I feel like I've started to build up a certain understanding of how to eloquently describe depression, the struggles one may face with it and how, with much work, one may even overcome it. 

Feel free to take a seat and listen in wide eyed and curly haired awe.

Now, I'm not going to beat around the bush, so I'll just note that we're certainly all nerds here. I want you to imagine the world of Pokemon for a second and I imagine you will have no issues doing so. The tall grass. The professor with 3 Pokemon and serious Alzheimer's. The young adults who want to prove that themselves and their Pokemon are the very best.

You're doing it wrong.

Now I'm sure you all now have a pretty clear image of the Pokemon world in your minds, but we're now going to turn that image on its head. Imagine, if you will, a world in which Pokemon trainers do not actually battle one another with their Pokemon but instead work in groups to use one of their Pokemon to form teams and play football against one another.

I'm not entirely sure why, but apparently something like this exists in the anime...

In this scenario, your team is losing by merely 2 points and the clock is ticking away the last 10 seconds of the game. If your team scores a field goal in the next play, you can win the game, but there's a few small issues. For one, your Pokemon is the team's field goal kicker. Now, this certainly might not be an issue if you had yourself a kick-ass Hitmonlee, but you don't. You just so happen to be gifted with nothing more than a Magikarp. As you feel the pressure of your whole team's hopes of victory falling on your shoulders, you can't help but frown as you look down at your Magikarp.

Which just so happens to be flopping around without a care in the world.

The pressure from your teammates at this point is unbearable and just manages to make you feel more and more useless and uncomfortable. You find that you already had little belief in your Magikarp's abilities before this but that you are now feeling more and more horrible and pained by the second. You curse yourself in your mind, realizing your Magikarp is at level 19, and you wish with all your might that you spent the extra time to just reach that 20th level for Gyarados but you know that it's much too late for that now. As you begin to envision the scenes of your team's upcoming loss in your mind, you truly begin to give up. You start to wonder what the point is and why you even tried. You wonder what the point even is of using Splash if it's just going to have no effect. 

And it never will.

Overall, you focus so strongly on your failure to raise your Magikarp up to level 20 prior to this moment that you don't even completely take in the whole situation occurring in front of your eyes. On the field in front of you, your Magikarp is now sucking intently on the football, flopping around and drooling. While you certainly fucked up by not taking the time to evolve your Magikarp, you're not going to be doing yourself or your team any favors by dwelling on that fact. At this very moment in time, you have a Magikarp, not a Gyarados, and you're just going to have to deal with it. You smile slyly down at your Magikarp as you start to think outside the box. You take a few steps back and make a slight nod to yourself to provide your new thought with some personal affirmation. You know that your idea is pretty out there and perhaps even pretty dumb, but you know that you have a lot more to lose by not acting at all than you do by acting on this random impulse. You count to 3 in your head, run forward as fast as possible, pull your leg back, and KICK THAT MOTHERFUCKING MAGIKARP AS FAR AS YOU FUCKING CAN. 

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!!

Both the Magikarp and the slobber-covered football fly through the goal posts as you find yourself in complete disbelief at your success. You may not have achieved victory in the most conventional manner but you certainly achieved it nonetheless. You stood up against all your anxiety and all the pressure from your teammates and you did something. You might still be stuck with a Magikarp, but suddenly your situation doesn't actually seem that bad to you. You've learned to look at and analyze the positive possibilities of the future instead of merely the negatives of the past and present.

Sure, some fucker in the audience probably got fucking clobbered in the head by your Magikarp, after it ripped through the net behind the goal posts, and is now being rushed to the hospital, but that's their issue, not yours. You set your sights on success, pushed onward with all your might and achieved that success and no individual with a Magikarp-inflicted head wound can take that away from you.

Push, Mofo, Push!

Out of some level of what must be either obscene curiosity or crippling masochism, I follow Nintendo's release schedule for their 3DS eshop every single week. Every Thursday, Nintendo releases new "games" upon this "service" as they typically sit in their headquarters, laughing evilly while stroking a cat with one hand and rubbing their chins with their other hand.

Pictured: Nintendo of America

Now granted, you may notice that I used quotes above around both the words "games" and "service". This is because more often than not, Nintendo releases something shitty like a black and white version of golf or Pac-Man and calls it a day. Essentially, it's like going to a shoe shine booth, after hearing that the worker gives special deals once a week on Thursday, only to have him spit on your shoe and ask for 10 dollars. Sure, maybe he charged you 5 bucks less than he would have any other day, but in the end, you're still the schmuck with a dirty shoe that now has saliva on it. And when you have Nintendo fans waiting curiously to see what gifts you come bearing this week, releasing the shittiest possible version of some game no one cares about is truly the equivalent of throwing a saliva-covered shoe right into the goddamn faces of your fans.

And honestly, who throws a shoe?

Now, the reason I bring up the Eshop and all it's torture is because Nintendo did something strange this week. This past week, Nintendo released a game which was not only not complete and utter shit, but actually enjoyable to an obscene level. You see, I would compare this last week's release of Pushmo as the "needle in a haystack" of eshop releases, but I feel like that simile doesn't truly give the game justice. You see, Pushmo is more than that. Pushmo is the glistening pearl in the sack full of turd that is the eshop. It is the delicious ice cream in the pit full of piranhas that is the eshop. IT IS THE GODDAMN HAY IN THE NEEDLESTACK OF THE ESHOP. Granted, by the time you dig through that many needles, your hand is numb, you've bit through your tongue in pain and you've died a little inside, but goddammit, YOU FOUND THE FUCKING HAY.

And this is even better than hay, because that shit is useless to you
unless you're some horse or goat or some shit.

Needless to say, Pushmo is pretty fucking fun. You don't really need much background to even get into it, but the short story is this. A bunch of little kids are playing around in a park and they get trapped in the various playground-esque structures all over the park. It quickly becomes your job as Mallo, an odd fat, red, character of some sort, to traverse the park and save all the children.

Mallo (Artist's Rendering)

Anyways, before you know it, you're pushing and pulling shit all over the place like a fucking boss. This game will throw puzzles of all shapes and sizes at you, and before you know it, it'll be 12 hours later and you've have solved them all. I've gotten more goddamn play time out of this thing than most 3DS retail games.

All this and this goddamn thing only cost me 7 dollars. Seriously, bitch, what else are you going to do with your seven dollars? Buy a goddamn coffee at Starbucks? Buy a small meal at McDonald's? FUCK YOUR GODDAMN STOMACH, PUNCH THAT MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT IN IT'S GODDAMN FACE. YOU DON'T NEED A HAMBURGER, YOU DON'T EVEN NEED 50 HAMBURGERS, YOU NEED FUCKING PUSHMO. THIS SHIT IS BANANAS. PLAY THIS SHIT AND YOU'LL FORGET ABOUT EVER EATING AGAIN.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL DOING READING THIS?

GO. GO FUCKING BUY PUSHMO AND THANK ME LATER. I'M GOING TO GO PLAY IT AGAIN RIGHT NOW, FUCK ENDING THIS POST IN A MEANINGFUL WAY, THAT'S FOR PUSSIES AND MOTHERFUCKERS, THIS IS GODDAMN PUSHMO. THIS SHIT IS ADDICTING AS FUCK. I'M PRETTY GODDAMN SURE ZELDA WAS ADDICTED TO THIS SHIT, AND THAT'S WHY SHE STARTED PUSHING LINK OFF CLIFFS. IT WAS ALL PRACTICE FOR PUSHMO. IT ALL MAKES SENSE.

Leading to Link's death since 2011.

How to Drink Like a Badass Motherfucker (who fucks shit up with their enormous penis)

Disclaimer: If you take this post seriously, and follow these instructions, you will get pregnant and die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. If you follow these instructions and then complain to me that they did not work properly, I swear I will go down to the local animal shelter and buy you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. Then, on some dark, cold night, I will break into your home and I will punch you in the face.

Srs Bsns

Anyways, now that that's out of the way, let's talk about drinking.

When you're a male and you drink, there are several unspoken expectations that come along with drinking with a group. Other individuals have expectations of what you can and cannot drink and how much you can and cannot drink. If you do not meet their expectations, you, in their eyes, have a massive gaping vagina.

The Audrey II of Vaginas

Let's cover these expectations to see how to handle them:

To be straight to the point, when you go to a bar with a group of male friends, the man rules say you can't order an appletini. I'm not sure if this is because apples are healthy, and being healthy is for MASSIVE PUSSIES, if it's because appletini's do not taste like motor oil or if it's because they have a pleasurable green glow to them. Regardless, the point is that if you go to a bar with a group of SUPER MASCULINE friends and order a Appletini YOUR GODDAMN PENIS WILL FALL OFF. It is an unstoppable cursed side effect of the delicious, delicious apple.

Until this moment, Snow White was a man.

So if you can't order Appletinis, then what can you order, you ask? Simple, my good friend. You can order any type of straight alcohol that you want. ANY TYPE. If you really need to mix your alcohol with something, I SUPPOSE you can try to mix it with cranberry juice, but even then, you'll likely feel like the Grinch as you feel your penis shrink two sizes that day.

So, dear reader, you say you are completely stumped and cannot think for yourself and want a little more specific advice on what to drink? Here, let me help you.

You see, dear friend, in my travels, I have come across the most manly of manly drinks. A drink which will put hair on your chest, and proof the size of your precious testicles once and for all. A drink that no other drink can stand up to. A drink that will not only make you a manly man, but also one classy motherfucker.

I most certainly pity the unscrupulous jester who doth not order themselves thine drink

You see, dear friend, I speak of the four horsemen shot.

This shot is composed merely of four strong types of liquor, specifically Jim Bean, Jack Daniels, Johnnie Walker and Jameson. This bad-ass shot is all man. Four types of alcohol. Four manly names. Four horsemen.

And everyone knows horses are the epitome of manliness

If you've taken this shot and have yet to pass out, then congratulations. You are now clumsy drunk-ass motherfucker... however, you can obviously revel in knowing that you are a classy and manly drunk-ass motherfucker. If you've made it this far, you obviously now know that, regardless of being drunk and clumsy off your ass, the intense levels of manliness and classiness that you are exuding are all that truly matter. You are king, and the bar you suddenly have found yourself standing on and shouting from is your kingdom. Even if you get kicked out of the bar, you will know now that everything you do this night from this moment on will be full of manliness and class.

Look at that classy fucking suit

Skyward Spousal Abuse

Over the last two weeks, I picked up The Legend of Zelda; Skyward Sword for my Wii. I'm realizing by stating I picked it up "over the last two weeks" I can allow myself to sound like a rather normal functioning member of society. This certainly becomes much harder for me to do if I were to admit off the bat that I know that I just so happened to pick the game up on November 19th, because that just so happens to be the day it came out and because I just so happen to be a massive nerd.

In my defense, it's both gold and shiny

Now granted, you may tilt your head and question this claim of mine, stating: "Strange-blog-writer-who-swears-much-too-often, why do you think this makes you a massive nerd? Plenty of people in today's world reserve games and pick them up on release. Hell, plenty of people even go to midnight releases for games nowadays." To you, strange reader, I would like to make you aware that I cannot hear you and you would be better off typing that query that stating it aloud. But I digress. You see, strange reader, I did not merely reserve and pick up said game on release but I also, for starters, picked up the collector's edition with the gold controller.

No real gold was harmed in the making of this controller.

Now again, you may state that that's not too bad in itself, to which I'll simply admit that I also listened to the included music CD on my drive home. I listened the fuck out of that CD, and when the Spirit Tracks theme came on during the medley, I fake tooted an imaginary train whistle in my car, just like I would always do in game.

Toot toot, motherfucker.

Anyways, in stating just how much of a massive nerd I am, I feel I've perhaps lost my train of thought with my original point about this game. Now granted, stating I've "lost my train of thought" in my thinking truly just makes me want to post another image of Spirit Tracks, but I'll hold myself together, and try to avoid that horrible pun just because I love you guys so much.

Seriously guys, I'm quite sorry for derailing the original topic at hand. I'll be sure not to go off track again.

Now, having played my fair share of Skyward Sword by this point, having owned it for almost two weeks, I must admit that there's been a few things in the game that have caught my attention. As with any Zelda, the game play in Skyward Sword is amazing, the graphics and artwork are beautiful, and the story has it's fair share of interesting twists and turns. That being said, I'm not here to talk to you about any of that, my dear readers. I'm here today to talk to you about something from this game which is much, much more serious.

I'm here to talk to you about spousal abuse in the land of Skyloft.

It's always the quiet ones...

You see, in this game, unlike most other games in the series, when Link meets Zelda she is not even yet royalty. As the idea of a Zelda not born of royalty is a rather new one in the Zelda series, the game creators could have taken this in a lot of different directions. They could have simply made Zelda a fellow Skyloft academy student. They could have made her long time childhood friends with Link. They could have made a smart, pretty and assertive girl with musical talent. In the end, however, Nintendo decided not to simply make Zelda one of these personalities, but, instead, to make Zelda a homicidal maniac who masquerades as all three of the above personalities at once. Over the course of the first half hour of the game, Zelda intentionally shoves you off of cliffs twice. She acts innocent enough about it and even "saves you" herself the first time she does it, but granted, I have a hard time truly considering her having "saved" Link considering she was the one who put him in danger in the first place. Surely if I took a friend to a pond and held their head underwater until they passed out, then I quickly carried them to safety, performed CPR and saved them, I wouldn't be marked a hero. Yet, somehow, friends of mine who have played this game state that Zelda's behavior is okay, merely because she doesn't actually allow link to die. In my opinion, one of the scariest things is that you don't necessarily know she doesn't let Link die. There's been plenty of different "Link"s over the span of the series, and just because you don't die by Zelda's hand over the course of the game doesn't mean Zelda hasn't killed several Links in the past.

I believe Zelda just lets them pile up down at the surface. No one goes down there anyways.

After having shoved you off two cliffs, I started to think maybe Zelda was becoming overcome by guilt. She starts to act a little nicer and more concerned about you. Pretty soon you get to a point where Zelda smiles at you and pulls you in, supposedly for a kiss. At least, that's what it looks like she's planning, but if you believe that's what she does, you'd be wrong.

This is the last thing you see before being shoved off a 50 foot tall statue.

Now granted, not long after this point in the game, you come across a section which kicks your main adventure into action once Zelda gets blown away in a tornado. My real question, playing the game, was why doesn't your adventure end right here? If Link were to go about his every day life at this point, and not tell anyone what happened to Zelda, he could finally start going to the academy each day without having to make excuses about how he "fell down the stairs". He'd be able to relax and live a happy, healthy and carefree life. Hell, this game is meant to be a prequel of the series, and at this point nothing is even threatening the lives of the townspeople up in Skyloft. The whole series could have ended right there.

And the master sword sleeps... forever!

Instead, Link decides, for whatever reason, to inform the townspeople of what happened to Zelda and to personally go off on an adventure to find her, thus kicking off the game. Now, granted, I haven't played the game to it's completion, but from how the game began, I can only imagine the game ending in one possible way. And it isn't pretty.

Seriously, this is some pretty fucking crazy, ass shit.

Flash forward to the end of the game. Link finds Zelda and frees her from whatever danger she's in. Zelda smiles and looks around for cliffs, only to note that they're in a room that is completely level. Zelda, in a seemingly nice display of kindness, goes to hug link, only to grab his shield off his back and REPEATEDLY BASH HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH THE GODDAMN THING until he goes unconscious. Link wakes up to Zelda's smiling face up in Skyloft. Zelda and the rest of the townspeople live in peace and prosperity for the rest of their days, while Link loses his memory and forgets how much of a BATSHIT CRAZY BITCH Zelda is. As a result, Link passes down to his ancestors that Zelda saved his life and that it is their responsibility to protect her and her lineage for the rest of their days. And thus Nintendo's epic "family friendly" series full of spousal abuse comes to it's beginning.

Metroid by Michael Bay

I've recently been trying to go through my backlog of games I own that I've yet to play and this has led me to start playing Metroid Other M for the first time. I've heard such a mixture of things about the game, both good and bad, and I feel like, having played some, I'm finally starting to understand both sides of the argument. The game certainly looks amazing, and plays very uniquely. In fact, probably one of the biggest complaints I could make about the game is that sometimes it's too intense, which obviously doesn't sound like a complaint, but hear me out.

Rated T for TOTALLY AWESOME AT ALL FUCKING TIMES WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.

Sometimes I get into battle after battle after epic battle and the game throws all these crazy things at you. Early in it teaches you, rather matter-of-factly, that you can do some extra damage if you jump on top of enemies and SHOOT THEM RIGHT IN THEIR FUCKING FACES, BECAUSE FUCK YEAH, THAT'S WHY.

I swear this poor alien just tried to ask Samus for directions to the bathroom.

It's very, very often that the game is just incredibly, incredibly flashy, just for the mere hell of it. When you get in battles, pressing a direction on the control pad at the right moment will not only allow you to dodge attacks, but will also send you fucking back-flipping and somersaulting across half the room. Pressing towards a nearly dead enemy while you charge your charge beam will not only kill the enemy, but will automatically grab it by the face, shove your arm cannon in it's mouth and blast it apart.

Merely writing that made me feel like a criminal sadist, so here's a picture of a puppy.

Essentially, if you haven't caught my main point yet, it's that the game can be overly flashy for no real reason. Most people may compare this to Michael Bay's Transformer's movies, and for good reason, but I like to draw my own original comparisons. Comparisons which can be understood even by those who are unfamiliar with pop culture.


That being said, imagine you have a girlfriend that you live with. She's generally pretty awesome and you have no intentions to leave her. In fact, you're actually trying to decide if you should propose to her soon, yet she seems to be constantly worried that you're not happy. So, because of this, every time you come home, this girlfriend gets down on her knees and blows you. EVERY TIME. Is it nice? Sure. Is it necessary? Of course not.

Metroid: Other M is that girlfriend.

I guess essentially what I'm trying to say is that Metroid: Other M is not a bad game by any means, it just tries too hard sometimes. Still, if you find that you happen to be a fan of both the Transformers movies and blowjobs, I'd certainly suggest giving Other M a try. You just might like it.

The Weekend That Finally Happened

As you may have heard or realized by this point, my trip that I mentioned in my last post didn't happen that weekend. As a hurricane was approaching us, my return flight was cancelled and I would have been rather stranded if I had gone on my trip. That being said, I did actually reschedule my trip and went to visit my friend this last weekend. Much insanity occurred, though I never did get around to blogging while drunk, which was something both my friend and myself were completely open to doing.

Anyways, to get the logistics out of the way, I went late on Thursday night to visit my friend, and I returned home on Monday night. Some of you may take a second to realize that this means I am blogging about my escapades a good four days after they were completed. Though I had all intent to blog about said adventures as soon as I got home, my sleep schedule has been shot and I've been exhausted. However, I have learned rather quickly through my other posts that the longer I wait to write about an adventure, the more mediocre my post about it becomes so I am making sure to post about this sooner rather than later. If I were to wait longer to make this post, my post quality will diminish to the point where you might think I'm drunk blogging after all.

If I weren't lazy, I would follow this up with personally created formula
depicting the relationship between post time and post quality,
but since I am indeed lazy, here's a picture of a bear with a leaf on its head.

Anyways, my adventures started normally enough. Flights, taxis, sleep. Normal human functions. However, by midday Friday was where things started to take a turn for the more interesting. Firstly, my friend and I decided to go to the supermarket to stock up on some supplies. It was in doing this that we came across something I have never quite seen before.

The thing we saw somehow managed to take every facet of college life and shove it into one box. One medium sized box, completely affordable on a college student's budget. This box alone was enough to channel the inner college student within us both, as we dropped to our knees and cried tears of joy.

Isn't it... beautiful?

As we purchased this box, and a number of other, less necessary, groceries, we moved onward to the liquor store. The liquor store brought my friend a certain glee as she noticed that they carried her favorite vodka. More specifically, this vodka:

I can never look at normal cake the same way again

I had only learned of this vodka earlier in the day when she kindly introduced me to it in her apartment. The vodka not only smelled strongly of cake, but tasted of it as well. It was as if someone drunkenly took a bottle of vodka and smushed multiple cupcakes into the opening of it, letting the crumbs fall into the vodka and dissolve as they gleefully accepted their new life as a delicious cupcake and vodka combination.

From the liquor store, we went back to my friend's apartment to prepare for dinner, a trip to the mall, and a visit from her insanity ridden friend, who we will henceforth refer to as "the crazy woman", but only for this post, as she will then track me down and kill me after she reads it.

Upon returning to her apartment, we started playing some Katamari Damacy and cooking some chicken. Firstly, something must be said about Katamari. When we last hung out, me and my friend quickly learned that Katamari is the perfect game to play when drunk. There's something about the simplicity of the controls, yet the urge to do better and better each time you play. There's something about rolling up random people an things, even if they run and scream in the process.

Roll up ALL the objects!

Our adventures with Katamari and cooking continued peacefully until it was time for her friend, the crazy woman, to arrive. Before we knew it, the front door flew open, and she looked around, than at the two of us. "Geez, woman, this place is a mess." She bellowed. It was with those words that I knew quite quickly that it was not merely my friend's friend who had shown up, but it was indeed her mother and master as well. Where as I may have acknowledged in my mind that the room was a mess, I chalked it up as a necessity of college life and didn't say anything about it. It was soon after that the crazy woman held her hand out to me to shake, and upon shaking her hand I then caught her glance. It was then that I realized that this was merely the start of a story of domination and lust. This woman was going to whip both my friend and myself into shape, and she was going to make sure we liked it.

As I'm exhausted, and my post has dragged on a little, I'm going to stop this post here, but certainly expect some more updates about that weekend and life in general before the next few days are up. For those who are curious of what happened next, just realize that I am still alive and typing (for now) so obviously I did come out of my experience alive, though I may be slightly inside.