I Like To Think of Myself as Someone Who Would Blog... Eventually

Over the past two years, I've gotten really into the show Steven Universe. The show has really, really picked up more recently to an intense degree but I decided to take a look back at the show's early episodes. I decided to do this partially because I was curious to see what I didn't catch in the early episodes the first time around and partially because I feel the need to get more people that I know interested in this show. Hopefully this post helps me do the latter because otherwise I have to resort to plan B and plan B is a lot messier.

Who wants a free waffle iron to the face? It's not a "threat", it's just face breakfast.

I re-watched the first three episodes and will stick to those as far as specific events so as to not spoil anything major. All Steven Universe images will also come from those three episodes.

To give a very general overview of Steven Universe, it's a show about a boy (Steven) who lives with the Crystal Gems (three women with magical powers) as he learns about his own powers. As the show rolls on, it starts to really make you care about the characters and gives you some really emotional moments. It reels you in with lovely background music and catchy vocal songs. It teaches you more and more about the lore of this world and the characters in it. The first episode starts with Steven whining about discontinued ice cream.

No, seriously, let's pause for a second. The very first episode of Steven Universe begins with Steven whining over discontinued ice cream. I frankly cannot think of a better example of a show trying to sabotage itself in its first episode. The very first piece of dialogue in the whole series is Steven shouting "Nooooooooooo!"

Steven (Artist's Rendering)

You might as well start Star Wars with Luke Skywalker having breakfast with his aunt and uncle, spilling his blue milk and literally crying over the blue milk. Just a nice big close up on that. Let's not focus on droids or Darth Vader or lightsabers, just some good old fashioned milk crying.

Anyways, I remember very well that after I watched the first episode for the first time way back when my reaction in the end was... indifference. It wasn't terrible, but it just didn't make me care about the characters or the story or really anything going on whatsoever. The episode is just really focused on Steven specifically and you don't even really get to see the better side of Steven. I almost didn't bother watching any more episodes after that at the time but I figured I might as well give it one more chance.

That's where episode two comes in.

Like a motherfucking wrecking ball.

Episode two quickly introduces us to Steven's dad (Greg) and gives us a lot of information about Steven's mom (Rose). Seeing Steven interact with Greg and hearing them discuss Rose actually makes us care about Steven. It makes us want to know more. It certainly doesn't hurt either that this whole little dialogue is backed by one of those incredibly adorable background pieces of music written by the lovely music team at Steven Universe. If I didn't know better, I would think the music team had personally come to my house to massage my ear drums. The episode also introduces us to what kind of feels like the first real vocal song in the series (because the one in the first episode was about discontinued ice cream). The song is cheesy but it's kind of a cute cheesy and does what it needs to do. It even manages to actually lead into an action scene without it feeling like an awkward transition.

For the longest time, Episode 2 was my favorite episode of the show. I personally think Episode 2 should have been the episode they decided to start with. It just strikes a great balance of humor, exposition and action. It leaves you wanting to see more. It may not be perfect but there's a certain magical quality to it.

Well, some would say there's magic inside.

Episode 3, while not as solid as Episode 2, is still good. We get to see a little more of the gems personalities. We get to see Steven go on an adventure with the gems. We get to see a backpack... shaped like a cheeseburger. If that doesn't blow your mind, I'm not sure what will.

I don't want to drag on too long so I just want to say that this show is certainly worth looking into if you're at all interested in a cartoon with lore, humor, strong female characters, and action. While the Crystal Gems initially just seem like a group of 3 similar magical females, they very quickly come into their own personalities and build their own stories. Steven himself is not to be written off either. While he can occasionally be a little annoying, he really evolves as the show goes on. Overall, at least see the second episode before deciding if you feel the show is worth watching. I mean...

Come onnnnnnnnnnnnn.

I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore

I realize I haven't updated in a long time but I think it would be a true waste to make yet another post all about how long it's been since I last updated.

So instead, below is a piece I wrote a long time ago that I realized I have yet to post up on here.

If there's any confusion, this is basically a songfic of I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore by REO Speedwagon. The lyrics are interspersed in italics. I also linked the music video from Youtube. I've actually preformed this live for people twice... mostly to an audience of confused onlookers. 

I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore

I can’t fight this feeling any longer, and yet I’m still afraid to let it flow.

He knew he couldn’t hold this off. It had been hurting him to the very depths of his soul. Pain? Love? No, this was a feeling much stronger. This was hunger.

What started out as friendship has grown stronger, I only wish I had the strength to let it show.

He had known Jenny for years. They’d always hung out casually. She’d stay over sometimes and they’d watch movies for hours and hours on end. He loved all the time they spent together, and realized he might even love her… Wait, fuck that. Fuck Jenny. This didn’t concern her. This was hunger.

I tell myself that I can’t hold out forever. I say there is no reason for my fear.

He couldn’t hold out. It had already been 3 days. Goddamit, he lost track of time while playing WoW again. He kept telling himself there was no reason to be afraid. No reason. But he didn’t believe it. He wouldn’t believe it. He was scared senseless. What if he didn’t have any food left?

Cause I feel so secure when we’re together. You give my life direction, you make everything so clear.

Food. It was always there for him. But what if it wasn’t now? He felt so secure when his cupboards were full, but what if that time came when they were empty? What would he do? That food gave him direction. It kept him from passing out.

And even as I wander, I’m keeping you in sight.

As he wandered the halls of his home, heading down the stairs, he found his mind focusing on his favorite Goya beans. He often stocked up on cans upon cans of the stuff, but he was pretty sure he finished them, and he hadn’t been to the grocery store for months.

You’re a candle in the window, on a cold dark winter’s night.

He left a lit candle on his windowsill once. That was pretty stupid of him, but the wind just blew it out, so it was alright.

I’m getting closer than I ever thought I might.

He could feel it in his very core. He was getting close. The kitchen was right there. As he stepped onto the tile floor, he hoped with all his might that something was left. Some leftovers. Some small scraps of food. Anything.

And I can’t fight this feeling anymore, I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for.

Oh god, the pain. The excruciating pain. He couldn’t take it. His muscles tensed up as he fell to one knee, experiencing the strongest hunger pains he had ever had. He was so close, but this seemed like the end. He couldn’t make it.

It’s time to bring this ship into the shore, and throw away the oars forever.

No, he could make it. He had to make it. He was so close, and he had to hold onto all his hope, and he had to take that trek across the kitchen. He could see the cupboards. He couldn’t give up now.

Cause I can’t fight this feeling anymore, I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for.

No, this was an impossible mission. He tried to stand back up, but his bones were weak, and he flopped forward onto the tiles. The impact dazed him, and for a second he forgot what he was even here for in the first place.

And if I had to crawl upon the floor, come crashing through your door.

He regained his thoughts. This hunger wasn’t going away, and that food was essential for his survival. This was his last chance, and he was going to put his all into it. He crawled across the tiles, all the way to the cabinets at the other end of the kitchen. He mustered up every last ounce of possible strength, and pushed himself back up. Using the cabinets for support, he got back on his feet. His feelings all melded into one. Fear. Anxiety. Hope Hunger. He slowly outstretched his arm, not sure what he would reveal upon opening the cabinet.

Baby, I can’t fight this feeling anymore.

And there they were. The beans were right there.

An Update or Something Like It

I know I haven’t updated in a while, somewhat to the point where a lot of people were wondering if I still existed, but I’m happy to tell you that the trend of not updating is now ending. Now, I could easily make a long winded and serious post about why I haven’t updated in forever, but I've essentially done that before and I feel that too many posts of that sort take away from what I originally intended for this blog to be. So, that being said, I’m hoping to make this post full of all the uncomfortable humor, ridiculous metaphors and weird puns that many of you have come to know this blog for. In short, in this post, we’re all going to have fun again. Admittedly, it might be kind of awkward and uncomfortable fun, like the fun had by a hooker on “Bring Your Daughter to Work” day, but it’ll be fun nonetheless.

"...Daddy?"

While I don’t want to make some serious post, I figure I just owe you guys a quick explanation and at least some reasoning of why you should actually, seriously be expecting more posts again from now on. I mean, I've outright said in the past that “I’ll post more from now on” and nothings come from it, so I can understand if some of you might be a bit doubtful to hear me saying that again now.

On July 18th 2012: "No seriously guys! Suddenly updates! Thousands of them!"

In general, I don’t talk about my personal life all that often on here, but to give you all a quick explanation of what’s been going on, I just took and completed my last semester of college classes over these last few months. At no point during the semester did I honestly “forget” about my blog and I often had that nagging feeling that I really should update, but it was hard for me to justify doing so as I often don’t have the easiest time concentrating enough to write to begin with and I essentially felt that any time that I could concentrate on writing was time that I needed to be spending writing essays for class. At this point in time, however, my essays and courses are all complete and I've now become a college graduate so it’s much easier for me to justify updating again.

For having just graduated college, you'd think they'd realize those pointy hats are going  to come back down and hurt like hell once they do.

Honestly, this personal justification to post truly couldn't have come at a better time as I've had the nagging urge to post for 5 months now, and I’m not quite sure how much longer I could have put it off without either going crazy or reaching a point where all of my readers simply lost interest in waiting for my newest crazy ramblings and moved on to someone else’s.

For those who have never kept a blog, this nagging feeling inside is kind of like setting the timer on the microwave after you throw a frozen pizza in the oven. Eventually, that timer is going to go off, and it’s going to buzz incessantly over and over and over. You could ignore that buzzing for a little bit, but it’s going to start to get rather grating. You still have to go into the kitchen and pull that pizza out eventually, but if you ignore the buzzing for too long, you may just find yourself welcomed later by a burnt and blackened crisp of what was once your pizza. Sure, you could pull that pizza out and try to make the best of it by scraping off the burnt parts, but there comes a point where you’re just going to be left with an unrecognizable piece of charcoal. By making this new post, and more subsequent posts in a timely manner, I’m admitting that I have kind of fucked up that pizza, but I’m going to throw in another one and give it another chance. Perhaps one with some BBQ chicken, because come on, let’s really treat ourselves to something nice this time.

Alternatively, we probably should have ordered delivery. I should not be trusted with ovens.

To truly give you guys an idea how determined I am to revive my blog to its former glory, I feel it is worth mentioning to you all that I am currently writing this blog entry without having any internet access. Though this really just means that I’m typing this post into a word document on my laptop as I’m laying on a bed while on vacation, you shouldn't underestimate the danger that I’m putting myself into for you all. You see, my laptop is laying upon that bed with me, and this laptop is old and decrepit enough that it’s actually emitted sparks and smoke before and twice just stopped short of setting a bed on fire.

Think this, with less bush and more bed.

If the image that I've just given you all has earned me no sympathy whatsoever, then try and imagine instead that I am currently chiseling this blog post onto a couple of rocks at the top of a mountain top. Surely you would feel some sympathy then, especially as I would later have to transcribe those rocks by hand so that I could actually upload them to my blog for future generations to see and enjoy.

"TODAY I FIND BIG ROCK. ROCK REMIND ME OF PROSTITUTE. TURN ROCK OVER FOR REST OF POST."

If you don’t feel sorry for me by now, then you’re either a heartless bastard or likely uncomfortable and possibly offended that I have partially compared myself to both an individual and a bush from the bible in just one post. If so, I promise you that I don’t compare myself to bushes very often, and I’ll try not to do so in the future. Though I've seen some nice bushes in my day, and I certainly respect what they stand for, I admittedly would be very frustrated if I were in their position. Not only are they expected to remain leafy and stationary at all times, but they never have received the same respect and attention as trees. People will often stand against the destruction of incredibly old and/or well-known trees, but have you ever seen someone come to the protection of a bush?

Equal rights for all foliage!

But I digress. In short, though it is likely that you won’t get to read this until it is 2013, I hope you will all stay with me for more posts! I’m sure I still have plenty of ridiculous humor in me to write about. I was actually even going to write about things besides my blog in this post, but I’m saving that for another post, as this one has ended up to be much longer (and hopefully more entertaining) than I imagined it would. Keep your eyes peeled as I will be making it one of my new year’s resolutions to write more!

P.S. Just for anyone who may be wondering, the results for searching images for "well trimmed bush" in Google is not as bad as one might expect...

Chocobos Not Guaranteed

When I woke up Saturday morning, my day was not looking great. Not only had I slept later than intended but the only plans that I had for the day had been cancelled on me. With a slight sigh of disappointment, I told myself that I was not going to let this ruin my day. No, I told myself, today was going to be a day of epic adventure, even if I had to go on that adventure by myself. 

Anyways, as any nerdy young adult will tell you, there is one and only one proper way to start any good adventure and that proper way is with both pizza and video games.

Cookies optional.

Fortunately, in a nearby mall, there just so happens to be a pizzeria with a GameStop only a couple of doors away. After enjoying some pizza, I made my way into said GameStop. While I was initially just looking for a cheap copy of Final Fantasy III for DS, I was keeping my eyes open to see if anything else caught my interest. As I glanced around the small and foreboding dungeon that is my local GameStop, it just so happened that a game caught my eye after all. The game's box was adorned with a small boy and a yellow chicken. They both looked up at me pleadingly, wanting me to bring them home.

How can you say no to that cock?!

Though the box looked a little beat up, I just couldn't help but grow more and more curious. This game was one that I had seen before, but I had never played it. As I saw this game in the store with my own eyes, I noted that it was the last copy and that it was now selling for a mere $9.99. Though I admittedly didn't necessarily feel at that point that I needed the game, I certainly felt that, at $9.99, I didn't really have anything to lose. Taking that into consideration, I scooped up both Chocobo's Dungeon and Final Fantasy III and brought them to the register. Once I handed the boxes to the cashier, he started to fish through the various cabinets behind the counter in an effort to find the actual carts. Within a minute or two, the clerk found Final Fantasy III and put it on the register before diving back into the cabinets in a desperate search for Chocobo's Dungeon. Minutes ticked away while more and more cabinets were opened and examined thoroughly. Cabinets I had not even previously noticed the existence of were ruffled through in the search. After a good 5 to 10 minutes of this, the clerk looked at me with regret. "I'm sorry, but it seems we don't actually have Chocobo's Dungeon. We just have the box." He informed me. I nodded in understanding, not particularly hurt by this turn of events, but the cogs in my mind were already turning. For most individuals, the events that had just transpired would have no meaning whatsoever but I was not "most individuals". For me, what had just transpired was a sign. This game, which I initially had only the smallest of passing interest in, was now an unobtainable trinket. What had seemed to be a completely unimportant exchange at first turned out to be the marker for a much bigger adventure to come. I knew from that moment on that I wanted... no... needed that game.

My Preeeeeeeeeeeeecious...

As I got back to my car with Final Fantasy III in hand, I tried to focus my mind. I told myself that I was an adult and that I just couldn't spend my whole Saturday searching for a game that may or may not even be any good. I got my bearings together and contacted a friend through my phone and thus made myself new plans to go see a movie. The two of us decided that we would start heading to the theater right away and meet there. We weren't totally sure what we were actually doing, to be honest. We figured we would see either Snow White and the Huntsman or The Avengers but both of us were rather indecisive and unsure. When we got to the movie theater, it was 6:00 and neither movie would be showing until 6:30. Something else caught my eye at the theater, however, and its pull was actually enough to get me to forget about Chocobo's Dungeon temporarily. That something was a movie which I had not even realized was out. That movie was... Safety Not Guaranteed. The few individuals reading who have even vaguely heard of this movie probably think that it's got to be completely and positively horrible. I truly cannot blame these individuals, as I certainly believed this myself, but then I learned that this is apparently not the case. You see, dear readers, not only did the trailer for this movie look quite interesting, but the movie is actually rated a 92% on Rotten Tomatoes. To give you a general idea to compare with, Batman: The Dark Knight Rises, a big summer blockbuster which had just broken the day before, only had an 87%. Having seen this, I was simply in even more awe than I was at seeing the existence of the movie in general.

Apparently srs bsness

At this point, I knew that, no questions asked, we had to see Safety Not Guaranteed. Unfortunately, the only showing of this movie was at 7:30 and this now gave us a whole extra hour to kill. Undeterred by this new change in our plans, we decided we would walk around the local area and look at the shops. As my friend knew the area much, much better than I did, he led the way as I trotted along behind him. We walked blocks and blocks, seeming to be getting nowhere. Oddly enough, the whole area we walked through was just sidewalks, trees and houses and I questioned if my friend truly knew where these "shops" were or if this was perhaps a complex plot to lose me in the depths of this neighborhood so that he could go see the movie by himself. Perhaps it was my own safety that wasn't guaranteed... As all of these thoughts swarmed around in my head, we started to make small talk:

Me: Man, I'm thirsty. Any idea if there's a store to get drinks where we're going?

Friend: Of course! There's some bodegas down this way, it's all good.

Me: Bodegas...? Isn't that a Spanish dish?

Friend: No, it's those little corner stores where you can buy drinks and candy and such.

Pictured: Not bodegas apparently

Before too much longer, we made our way to a corner store and grabbed some drinks as we made some more small talk. While we walked with our drinks, I thought back to earlier that afternoon and informed my friend of my immense regret that I had suffered as a result of my failure to secure myself a copy of Chocobo's Dungeon. As we still had plenty of time left before the movie, my friend lifted an eyebrow in curiosity and informed me that there just so happened to be GameStop right near by us. As we walked down a side street and entered this new GameStop, I looked around a bit before inquiring with an employee whether or not they had Chocobo's Dungeon for Wii. The employee looked down for a second, before narrowing his eyes slightly. Though he didn't quite glare at me, the employee truly gave me a look of uncertainty and precaution.

Employee: Have you played it...? You know it's all randomized dungeons and-

Me: Yes.

I not only interrupted the employee but I lied to him. I lied straight to his face. 

Ehhh, what can I do?

The employee sort of shrugged this off and started to look up the game in the computer. After a moment, he informed me that they did not have the game in stock... but that a different nearby GameStop did. He informed me that the other GameStop was about a 10 minute walk from there and, with a quick glance of my own at my friend, I was also informed that this walk would be in the opposite direction of the movie theater. We thanked the employee and walked out of the GameStop, trying to decide a plan of attack while standing in front of it.

At this point, a number of different thoughts were echoing within my head while we stood there. Though I certainly knew that I now needed this game more than ever, that was certainly not the only thought in my head.

Oh god, now it thinks it's a White Mage. That bastard is too fucking adorable.

You see, as much as my I wanted this game, I now found myself wondering if perhaps there was more to this game than what meets the eye. Certainly I had never had such an issue finding a game before, especially when it was a game that, well, no one gives a damn about. What if there was only one copy of the game in the world? What if there were no copies of the game in the world? What if the game was cursed and playing it would kill me and turn me into a giant yellow chicken, possibly in that order? 

The last person who played Chocobo's Dungeon.

As all these thoughts swirled around in my head, we made the decision to walk to the other GameStop, and walk we did. We didn't care that it was nearly already 7:00 as we knew that we were in much too deep now and that we had to see this quest to its end. As we walked blocks and blocks and blocks, it seemed as if we weren't actually getting anywhere. While we walked, we looked for the GameStop endlessly and it never seemed to appear but, once all our energy and nearly all our hope was gone, it suddenly appeared right in front of our eyes.  

Lamest mirage ever.

When we walked into this GameStop, I made my way to the cashier rather quickly. It was already almost 7:15 and it seemed like we had no chance of catching the movie whatsoever. At the cashier, I encountered a friendly Asian girl who was willing to help. With a slight smile, knowing my adventure was finally coming to a close, I inquired to the clerk if the store had Chocobo's Dungeon for Wii. As the girl looked back at me, her mouth dropped open slightly and her eyes widened. She was silent for a moment and, from her look alone, I was half expecting that she would rotate her head 360 degrees, devour my soul and shout at me in a demonic voice to stay far, far away from that game. To my surprise, none of that happened as the girl meekly  exclaimed to me that she had just seen one copy in the back... but that she wanted it for herself.

This is what I noticed staring at me across the counter.

As the girl went in the back to retrieve the game, I pictured how this situation would go if I were the protagonist in an action movie. The girl would come back with the game and I would frown slightly, take a breath, and explain to her that I don't want it. I would explain that this miraculous unobtainable trinket that I had been questing for hours for that was now within my grasp was not what I really wanted. I would explain that I found so much of the joy and excitement that I needed through my quest for the game that I did not need the game itself.

Unfortunately, none of that really mattered as I am not a protagonist in an action movie and my friend would have killed me if I made him walk all the way over there for nothing. Granted, I did feel some guilt pulling at my heart strings, but I needed that game. Though the clerk's initial response was enough to make me feel a little guilt already, this guilt only built up that much more when the girl handed me my adorably hand-drawn receipt.

WHY WOULD SHE DO THIS TO ME?

As the girl handed me my receipt, she explained to me how much she would appreciate it if I could go online and fill out a survey on the GameStop website about my positive experience that day. She underlined both her name and the web address on my receipt as she handed it to me and this was something I was very familiar with from having shopped at GameStop plenty of times before.

In short, it was that very day that GameStop broke me. I'm not proud to admit it, but it was that day that I went online and posted positive feedback of my GameStop experience. I knew that I couldn't let this girl have the game, so I let her have positive feedback instead.

This horrible memory is one that I will repress for years to come.

Anyways, surely there must be a message in here somewhere, but it's a little hard to make another Lord of the Rings metaphor at this point because I kind of doubt that Sauron would have accepted positive feedback in exchange for the one ring.

Gotta Punt 'em All

For the readers that I have, I apologize for my absence on this blog. Though I could certainly come up with a number of detailed excuses to explain my absence, they generally all boil down to either busyness or depression. While busyness could certainly be looked at in some senses as a positive thing for one to experience, depression most certainly is not in any scenario whatsoever. When I first created this blog last year, I had been rather depressed and was trying to escape that depression. I believed that perhaps I could combat my depression by using this blog to find the interesting and silly moments in life, focus on them, and examine them in depth. Though I've found that I've developed quite a number of absurd and useless theories on how to deal with life while growing up, a part of me certainly believes there could still be something to this one. After all, for a while this blog did seem to help me, but then I eventually sort of felt myself fall into a rut again. At that point, I had stopped posting and no longer had the humor and silliness in words in front of me to make me laugh and smile. 

Sometimes you do have to look back to actually remember where you're going.

Anyways, without dragging this on any longer, I'm hoping tonight to change this and give myself, and all of you, something to laugh at. You see, over these past few months, I feel like I've started to build up a certain understanding of how to eloquently describe depression, the struggles one may face with it and how, with much work, one may even overcome it. 

Feel free to take a seat and listen in wide eyed and curly haired awe.

Now, I'm not going to beat around the bush, so I'll just note that we're certainly all nerds here. I want you to imagine the world of Pokemon for a second and I imagine you will have no issues doing so. The tall grass. The professor with 3 Pokemon and serious Alzheimer's. The young adults who want to prove that themselves and their Pokemon are the very best.

You're doing it wrong.

Now I'm sure you all now have a pretty clear image of the Pokemon world in your minds, but we're now going to turn that image on its head. Imagine, if you will, a world in which Pokemon trainers do not actually battle one another with their Pokemon but instead work in groups to use one of their Pokemon to form teams and play football against one another.

I'm not entirely sure why, but apparently something like this exists in the anime...

In this scenario, your team is losing by merely 2 points and the clock is ticking away the last 10 seconds of the game. If your team scores a field goal in the next play, you can win the game, but there's a few small issues. For one, your Pokemon is the team's field goal kicker. Now, this certainly might not be an issue if you had yourself a kick-ass Hitmonlee, but you don't. You just so happen to be gifted with nothing more than a Magikarp. As you feel the pressure of your whole team's hopes of victory falling on your shoulders, you can't help but frown as you look down at your Magikarp.

Which just so happens to be flopping around without a care in the world.

The pressure from your teammates at this point is unbearable and just manages to make you feel more and more useless and uncomfortable. You find that you already had little belief in your Magikarp's abilities before this but that you are now feeling more and more horrible and pained by the second. You curse yourself in your mind, realizing your Magikarp is at level 19, and you wish with all your might that you spent the extra time to just reach that 20th level for Gyarados but you know that it's much too late for that now. As you begin to envision the scenes of your team's upcoming loss in your mind, you truly begin to give up. You start to wonder what the point is and why you even tried. You wonder what the point even is of using Splash if it's just going to have no effect. 

And it never will.

Overall, you focus so strongly on your failure to raise your Magikarp up to level 20 prior to this moment that you don't even completely take in the whole situation occurring in front of your eyes. On the field in front of you, your Magikarp is now sucking intently on the football, flopping around and drooling. While you certainly fucked up by not taking the time to evolve your Magikarp, you're not going to be doing yourself or your team any favors by dwelling on that fact. At this very moment in time, you have a Magikarp, not a Gyarados, and you're just going to have to deal with it. You smile slyly down at your Magikarp as you start to think outside the box. You take a few steps back and make a slight nod to yourself to provide your new thought with some personal affirmation. You know that your idea is pretty out there and perhaps even pretty dumb, but you know that you have a lot more to lose by not acting at all than you do by acting on this random impulse. You count to 3 in your head, run forward as fast as possible, pull your leg back, and KICK THAT MOTHERFUCKING MAGIKARP AS FAR AS YOU FUCKING CAN. 

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!!

Both the Magikarp and the slobber-covered football fly through the goal posts as you find yourself in complete disbelief at your success. You may not have achieved victory in the most conventional manner but you certainly achieved it nonetheless. You stood up against all your anxiety and all the pressure from your teammates and you did something. You might still be stuck with a Magikarp, but suddenly your situation doesn't actually seem that bad to you. You've learned to look at and analyze the positive possibilities of the future instead of merely the negatives of the past and present.

Sure, some fucker in the audience probably got fucking clobbered in the head by your Magikarp, after it ripped through the net behind the goal posts, and is now being rushed to the hospital, but that's their issue, not yours. You set your sights on success, pushed onward with all your might and achieved that success and no individual with a Magikarp-inflicted head wound can take that away from you.

Push, Mofo, Push!

Out of some level of what must be either obscene curiosity or crippling masochism, I follow Nintendo's release schedule for their 3DS eshop every single week. Every Thursday, Nintendo releases new "games" upon this "service" as they typically sit in their headquarters, laughing evilly while stroking a cat with one hand and rubbing their chins with their other hand.

Pictured: Nintendo of America

Now granted, you may notice that I used quotes above around both the words "games" and "service". This is because more often than not, Nintendo releases something shitty like a black and white version of golf or Pac-Man and calls it a day. Essentially, it's like going to a shoe shine booth, after hearing that the worker gives special deals once a week on Thursday, only to have him spit on your shoe and ask for 10 dollars. Sure, maybe he charged you 5 bucks less than he would have any other day, but in the end, you're still the schmuck with a dirty shoe that now has saliva on it. And when you have Nintendo fans waiting curiously to see what gifts you come bearing this week, releasing the shittiest possible version of some game no one cares about is truly the equivalent of throwing a saliva-covered shoe right into the goddamn faces of your fans.

And honestly, who throws a shoe?

Now, the reason I bring up the Eshop and all it's torture is because Nintendo did something strange this week. This past week, Nintendo released a game which was not only not complete and utter shit, but actually enjoyable to an obscene level. You see, I would compare this last week's release of Pushmo as the "needle in a haystack" of eshop releases, but I feel like that simile doesn't truly give the game justice. You see, Pushmo is more than that. Pushmo is the glistening pearl in the sack full of turd that is the eshop. It is the delicious ice cream in the pit full of piranhas that is the eshop. IT IS THE GODDAMN HAY IN THE NEEDLESTACK OF THE ESHOP. Granted, by the time you dig through that many needles, your hand is numb, you've bit through your tongue in pain and you've died a little inside, but goddammit, YOU FOUND THE FUCKING HAY.

And this is even better than hay, because that shit is useless to you
unless you're some horse or goat or some shit.

Needless to say, Pushmo is pretty fucking fun. You don't really need much background to even get into it, but the short story is this. A bunch of little kids are playing around in a park and they get trapped in the various playground-esque structures all over the park. It quickly becomes your job as Mallo, an odd fat, red, character of some sort, to traverse the park and save all the children.

Mallo (Artist's Rendering)

Anyways, before you know it, you're pushing and pulling shit all over the place like a fucking boss. This game will throw puzzles of all shapes and sizes at you, and before you know it, it'll be 12 hours later and you've have solved them all. I've gotten more goddamn play time out of this thing than most 3DS retail games.

All this and this goddamn thing only cost me 7 dollars. Seriously, bitch, what else are you going to do with your seven dollars? Buy a goddamn coffee at Starbucks? Buy a small meal at McDonald's? FUCK YOUR GODDAMN STOMACH, PUNCH THAT MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT IN IT'S GODDAMN FACE. YOU DON'T NEED A HAMBURGER, YOU DON'T EVEN NEED 50 HAMBURGERS, YOU NEED FUCKING PUSHMO. THIS SHIT IS BANANAS. PLAY THIS SHIT AND YOU'LL FORGET ABOUT EVER EATING AGAIN.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL DOING READING THIS?

GO. GO FUCKING BUY PUSHMO AND THANK ME LATER. I'M GOING TO GO PLAY IT AGAIN RIGHT NOW, FUCK ENDING THIS POST IN A MEANINGFUL WAY, THAT'S FOR PUSSIES AND MOTHERFUCKERS, THIS IS GODDAMN PUSHMO. THIS SHIT IS ADDICTING AS FUCK. I'M PRETTY GODDAMN SURE ZELDA WAS ADDICTED TO THIS SHIT, AND THAT'S WHY SHE STARTED PUSHING LINK OFF CLIFFS. IT WAS ALL PRACTICE FOR PUSHMO. IT ALL MAKES SENSE.

Leading to Link's death since 2011.

How to Drink Like a Badass Motherfucker (who fucks shit up with their enormous penis)

Disclaimer: If you take this post seriously, and follow these instructions, you will get pregnant and die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. If you follow these instructions and then complain to me that they did not work properly, I swear I will go down to the local animal shelter and buy you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. Then, on some dark, cold night, I will break into your home and I will punch you in the face.

Srs Bsns

Anyways, now that that's out of the way, let's talk about drinking.

When you're a male and you drink, there are several unspoken expectations that come along with drinking with a group. Other individuals have expectations of what you can and cannot drink and how much you can and cannot drink. If you do not meet their expectations, you, in their eyes, have a massive gaping vagina.

The Audrey II of Vaginas

Let's cover these expectations to see how to handle them:

To be straight to the point, when you go to a bar with a group of male friends, the man rules say you can't order an appletini. I'm not sure if this is because apples are healthy, and being healthy is for MASSIVE PUSSIES, if it's because appletini's do not taste like motor oil or if it's because they have a pleasurable green glow to them. Regardless, the point is that if you go to a bar with a group of SUPER MASCULINE friends and order a Appletini YOUR GODDAMN PENIS WILL FALL OFF. It is an unstoppable cursed side effect of the delicious, delicious apple.

Until this moment, Snow White was a man.

So if you can't order Appletinis, then what can you order, you ask? Simple, my good friend. You can order any type of straight alcohol that you want. ANY TYPE. If you really need to mix your alcohol with something, I SUPPOSE you can try to mix it with cranberry juice, but even then, you'll likely feel like the Grinch as you feel your penis shrink two sizes that day.

So, dear reader, you say you are completely stumped and cannot think for yourself and want a little more specific advice on what to drink? Here, let me help you.

You see, dear friend, in my travels, I have come across the most manly of manly drinks. A drink which will put hair on your chest, and proof the size of your precious testicles once and for all. A drink that no other drink can stand up to. A drink that will not only make you a manly man, but also one classy motherfucker.

I most certainly pity the unscrupulous jester who doth not order themselves thine drink

You see, dear friend, I speak of the four horsemen shot.

This shot is composed merely of four strong types of liquor, specifically Jim Bean, Jack Daniels, Johnnie Walker and Jameson. This bad-ass shot is all man. Four types of alcohol. Four manly names. Four horsemen.

And everyone knows horses are the epitome of manliness

If you've taken this shot and have yet to pass out, then congratulations. You are now clumsy drunk-ass motherfucker... however, you can obviously revel in knowing that you are a classy and manly drunk-ass motherfucker. If you've made it this far, you obviously now know that, regardless of being drunk and clumsy off your ass, the intense levels of manliness and classiness that you are exuding are all that truly matter. You are king, and the bar you suddenly have found yourself standing on and shouting from is your kingdom. Even if you get kicked out of the bar, you will know now that everything you do this night from this moment on will be full of manliness and class.

Look at that classy fucking suit